An eye opener

31. July 2006 by Frank.

I just didn’t care about anything at all anymore. Nothing was important to me. I didn’t care if I ever did anything again. I didn’t care if I ever read another book, watched another movie or TV show, went to church, read the bible, prayed; none of it. None of the things I loved to do the most in the world held any interest for me.

The only people who understood what I was talking about were other stroke survivors. I tried in vain to get my wife and my doctor to understand what was going on but my wife refused to accept the new me and my doctor decided I was depressed. He put me on antidepressants which actually DID depress me. I was bad enough beforehand but that damn stuff sent me straight to the bottomless pit. All I wanted to do was sit in a chair and drool on myself.

So what did I do? I defied the doctor once again only this time it had nothing to do with faith. It was self preservation pure and simple.

Faith and prayer never entered into that decision, I had to do it or die. God wasn’t exactly around to give me any guidance or a helping hand. God pretty much threw me to the dogs. The abandonment was so thorough it actually penetrated the mental fog and I realized something profound had happened. My understanding of just how profound was slow in coming but it gradually became clear; God was not the least bit involved in my plight.

Somewhere during that time I lost interest in going to church. The more I stayed away, the more I realized that I had stopped feeling guilty. I wasn’t repenting for everything anymore. The freedom is tremendous if you can distance yourself from the guilt. I was so doped up, however, it took a long time for this to really register in my mind. I knew something was different but I wasn’t quite sure what it was.

My job was gone and my house was in jeopardy while this was happening. I was driving around in a car that was literally falling to pieces before my eyes; still thanking god that it
wasn’t completely gone already. I eventually realized how stupid I was thinking it was safe to drive that thing.

And then I did the unthinkable. I actually started reading things that debunked my faith.

I committed the unpardonable sin.

Posted in communication, interpretation, listen, emotion, religion | Print | No Comments »