28. December 2008 by Frank.

I get overly excited on those few occasions when I get any feedback. Therefore I am constantly trying to figure out what people want to read about here. I have pretty good traffic but commenters are few and far between.

So I’ll do what I always do when I get flustered with blogging, I’ll write about whatever is on my mind.

I’d have to say the primary atheistic thing on my mind the last few months has been how absurd my former religion seems to me now. I read a considerable amount of atheist blogs on one hand and a like amount of political oriented flotsam on the other. There’s a lot of religion mentioned and ranted about by both sources.

It disturbs me greatly when I see some bizarre religious statement and then I realize I actually used to believe exactly that.

But how do I blog about these things? Do I get all scholarly and lecture? Or should I stick with the illustrative anecdote from my past church experience? I tend to want to lecture but I have been informed by more than one person that my lectures are not welcomed. And my supply of clever anecdotes isn’t all that big.

My wife is all excited about a former pastor who has returned to the area. She’s beginning to push to go see him. This man gave me many opportunities to preach and teach, I filled in for him many times. But there’s really no real relationship there that would compel me. My memory is quite different from my wife’s.

The man preached guilt. Loads and loads of guilt. You could walk into one of his services with a huge smile on your face, a spring in your step, and enough joy in your heart to cheer up a dozen clinically depressed people; listen to his sermon; and then walk away guilty, condemned, and far lower than all those people you were trying to perk up before. The man had a huge load and he wanted to share it.

He once stated, “I think about death every day.” He was big on preaching that you must be crucified with Christ literally every day of your life. Somehow crucifying yourself on Sunday wasn’t good enough to get you through until Tuesday. Your supply of sin was so big that Jesus could only take a day’s worth away from you each day. The ever popular “You must die to self” teaching was his strong suit. I didn’t realize it at the time but the man must have had some major issues in his life. Issues he was frightfully guilty about.

This guy was determined to keep everyone feeling guilty and condemned as much as possible. Sin is far more important than redemption to most churches. Sin is more powerful than Jesus’ ultimate sacrifice. Why is it in churches like this you constantly are told, “You’re just a sinner saved by grace,” and “There but for the grace of God go I.” Even though you accept Jesus your salvation isn’t complete. Even though you’re saved you’re still full of sin. You’re constantly in danger of offending God and ruining your relationship with him. So you had to come to church every week to hear how bad you still were, so you could learn to cling to God tighter and tighter. And by inference and association, learn to cling to your clergyman.

When I finally broke away from church the one thing that stood out among all others was that I stopped feeling guilty. Without those weekly reminders I had no reason to feel guilty. I wasn’t violating my own morals so I had no guilt feelings on my own. At church that was true, too, except that I was accepting the pastor’s own guilt and condemnation as my own. I was feeling guilty for things he said I should feel guilty about. Not about things I was actually doing.

I don’t have a problem with guilt, religious guilt. Why on earth would I want to go back to that?

Posted in interpretation, communication, listen, hearing, emotion, religion | Print | 5 Comments »

18. December 2008 by Frank.

Victim – (1) someone or something killed, destroyed, sacrificed, etc. (2) one who suffers some loss esp. by being swindled

I am not a victim. Never have been, never will be. I am a survivor. My mentor, Karen, whom I met shortly after the stroke altered my life, was extremely adamant about telling anyone who came to her for help recovering from a stroke, “you are not a victim! Never say that! You are a survivor!” She would kick your ass (virtually speaking) if you used that word.

She knew what she was talking about. Before her 6^th stroke killed her, the previous 5 had begun when she was only 15 and had left her barely able to speak and only able to use one finger of each hand. Nevertheless, she had built an online empire dedicated to helping stroke survivors. She worked from an old underpowered laptop hooked up to a piss poor 56K connection in the backwoods of Tennessee. She wouldn’t let anyone get carried away with self pity and she wouldn’t tolerate you calling yourself a victim.

I wasn’t inclined to use the word anyway but after getting to know Karen, it never occurred to me to use it again. She inspired me like no one else ever has or ever will. She didn’t want pity. She never complained about how hard her life was (although she would have been entirely justified if she had). She was a survivor and that’s what she wanted you to know about her ordeal.

That and the fact that you could survive, too.

Playing the victim is such a common thing in today’s society. I just read several articles today about Christians whining about atheist signs ruining their Christmas displays on government property. The government has two choices; either display religious signs and symbols from all religions or lack thereof, or, don’t allow any such signs and displays on government property. I believe the latter option is the best. No such luminary less than Chuck Norris (whom I can’t picture ever playing the victim) was whining about it with the words, “What about when Christians are the victim?” Christians love to be the victim. I fail to see how an over 80% majority that pretty much gets its own way in American society can possibly claim to be the victims against all us measly 5% atheists who are reviled just for having the temerity to exist.

The big bad (insert your favorite bully here) won’t let us have everything our way. They’re trampling on our rights. They’re offending us. Just knowing they hate us offends us. Oh, boo hoo, have pity on us.

When I hear the word victim that is what I start thinking. It is a weak, powerless position. Oh yeah, life can choose you as its victim, pounce on you and beat the crap out of you. But how you react and respond to that beating determines whether or not you actually become a victim.

My mother in law died from a series of strokes. She was a victim. She didn’t know how to fight back and none of us knew how to help her. You could see the life go out of her eyes. She gave up and it destroyed her.

I saw the exact same thing happening to me.

Nobody knew how to help me, either. My doctor was just as ignorant and unhelpful as her doctor had been. My wife didn’t have a clue how to help me. My daughter was only 14 but she at least had enough sense to listen to what I was saying at the time. She was the only one who did listen. Until I met Karen online. Don’t be a victim!

Re-read the definition of victim at the beginning of this article. Now contrast that with the definitions of survive and survivor:

Survive – to remain alive or in existence after – to continue living or existing

Survivor – (1) one that survives (2) someone regarded as capable of surviving changing conditions, misfortune, etc.

Which would you rather be?

TinaFCD used the phrase “stroke victim” in one of her greatly appreciated comments. She also mentioned she likes rants. So, since the word victim sets me off and I like to rant, I thought I’d kill two stone birds with one rock, so to speak. No matter what degree a stroke affects someone it is in some way life altering. If I had chosen to be a victim I would probably be dead by now. At the very least, I would not be able to walk. No one ever notices how I walk but even after ten years it is not natural to me. But I chose to be a survivor so I learned how to walk again.

They tried so many drugs on me and they sent me to all kinds of therapy. Nothing worked. I could have chosen to be a victim. I could have sat in a chair for the rest of my life drooling on myself. You would not believe how strong the desire to do just that was at first. I could have chosen a drug induced stupor that sure felt good but left me incapable of doing anything. I could easily have gone down the same path as my mother in law. There was nothing to stop me.

But I am not a victim.

I am a survivor.

I chose the pain. I chose not to be a victim. Like Hugh Jackman said in Van Helsing, “The pain let’s you know you’re alive.” Sure there are times when I would give anything for some relief but all it takes to knock me out are a couple of beers or one good stiff drink. I don’t sleep well but the only time I feel good (relatively speaking) is when I’m asleep.

I don’t know if this seems like much of a rant to anyone else but nothing pisses me off faster than someone playing the victim.

Anytime I catch myself doing it, I have to kick my own ass.

Posted in communication, interpretation, listen, stroke | Print | 2 Comments »

15. December 2008 by Frank.

In the early years of living with a stroked out mind and body I was quite passionate about what happened to my faith. It was shocking how thoroughly it had failed me and how completely disconnected I felt from my former way of life. I wrote about it extensively but I could not find an audience to discuss any of it with. Atheist blogs were not common. I managed to find stroke survivors who understood the physical and mental problems I was facing but the vast majority of them were clinging to their faith since in many cases it was all they had left.

In contrast, my faith was completely absent, gone from my mind almost as if it were never there to begin with. In the years since I have found no explanation for this, only concepts similar enough to be somewhat helpful. Brain damage can cause religious experiences, so can electrical impulses. Drugs can do that as well; snort some high grade crystal meth and see how fast you become one with the universe. God is the universe and you are one with it therefore you are god. Oh yeah, I remember my days of drugged out delusions. Since I have experienced these things it is not difficult for me to imagine that just the right neural pathway being blocked could shut off that part of my mind that functioned in the realm of faith. After all, that’s the only explanation of all the pain in my right arm, there is no physical damage but I feel like someone has been beating me mercilessly with a sledgehammer for the last ten years.

I don’t want pity, I have no use for it. I have chosen to live in pain rather than be so drugged up I can’t function. I bring it up because people get on my case about not smiling and looking miserable. Or how slow I move. Or how tired I always am. Or why I frequently have no interest in doing anything. They have no idea what I’m fighting every hour of every day. Unfortunately my wife is one of the worst offenders, she thinks if I would just smile more everything would get better. I can’t get her to understand how hard it is to smile when half your face is numb.

She flips out if I try to talk about the death of my faith.

So I blog.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my wife dearly. But I need to talk about these things so I have to go elsewhere. A little compassion here, a little discussion there from total strangers online saved me from abject depression. Just writing these thoughts down makes me feel better. And if any of this helps someone else then that truly makes me happy.

Alienation. It’s something stroke survivors and atheists have in common. It’s something atheists have to deal with if they were former believers. That’s the one thing I feel churches provide most people, a sense of belonging to a group. I don’t see atheism offering that except online and maybe in bigger cities. Out here in Podunkville you don’t find organized groups of freethinkers roaming the farmlands and vineyards. I read enough atheist blogs to know this is a problem for quite a few of us.

That’s why I’m very grateful to everyone who ever leaves a comment here.

I’m not alone and neither are you.

Posted in communication, emotion, religion, stroke | Print | 2 Comments »