SOMETIMES YOU’RE THE WINDSHIELD. SOMETIMES YOU’RE THE BUG.

23. March 2009 by Frank.

I have healed physically.

Mentally, I’m still a mess. What they did to me hurt me down to the core of my being. Sure I’ve been cracking bad jokes and puns trying to deal with it but they aren’t working. I feel like my pride and my dignity have been ripped from me. My self worth seems to be gone. I’ve been reduced to a slab of meat that any abuse imaginable could be heaped upon it. And then tossed aside like a bag of garbage.

I’ve been trying to shake this feeling all week but it just keeps getting worse. I can tell I have been fixed. There are marked physical improvements that can’t be denied. All the tests coming back negative is wonderful news. That should be cheering me up immeasurably. But I feel as though I have been violated in the worst possible way.

I’m not mad at the urologist. He was so cold and impersonal about the whole sordid affair that he hardly seems involved. Maybe that’s what bothers me. I meant absolutely nothing to him as a living human being. I was just a thing that needed some repair work. He came in, did it, and left. He may have uttered a total of nine or ten words. All the information I got about the entire procedure came from the nurse, an older woman who actually seemed to have some semblance of compassion.

There were ten people in the waiting room with me. All of us were scheduled for the same time. Everyone was called in back and then returned to wait some more. Then each was taken to a room. It felt like an assembly line far more so than any doctor’s office I have ever been in before. Your modesty gets thrown out the window. You’re just an animal, a piece of meat.

Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself but I really don’t think so. I have never in my life been treated with such utter disregard as to what I was feeling. My sensibilities meant absolutely nothing. My fear and apprehension was not even considered as worth addressing. I’ve encountered some cold hearted people in my time but this was far more intense.

The guy might as well have said, “You’re absolutely nothing to me, all I want is your money.”

I’m sure you’ve stepped on a bug and squished it and all you cared about was getting the gunk off your shoe. Well, I feel like the bug.

I don’t know if I’m making any sense but this is how I am feeling. If you have some way to help me snap out of it, I would be glad to hear it.

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