19. February 2010 by Frank.

My memory is full of gaping holes since the stroke.  Large parts of my pre-stroke life are completely gone.  My current short-term memories are rather limited, to say the least.  I generally have to rely on some random stimulus to get access to some forgotten memory.

I realize there’s nothing particularly unique about that, it works that way for pretty much everyone.

But what do you do when detailed events, including names, don’t elicit any response at all?  I believe I mentioned it back when it happened, but my father was reminiscing about my early teen years in the neighborhood.  He was rattling off names and describing how the whole neighborhood came over to our house to play football and other games because we had quite a bit of land out back complete with a pond full of fish.  I recognized a lot of the names because they were neighbors for many many years.  But I couldn’t come up with a single memory about doing anything with any of them.

Nothing.

My dad covered several years but I drew a blank for the entire period.  It was as if he was talking about the experiences of some other person.  It was an awkward conversation.  And it was weird.

Especially weird since I do think of myself as a different person than I used to be.  That guy I was as a teenager doesn’t exist anymore. (Big surprise.)  That guy I was up until the ripe old age of 43 doesn’t exist anymore.  (Here’s where the weird comes into play.)  I have some similarities to him but I’m not him.  Why should I expect to be able to access his memories?

That’s why I tend to use the same stories over and over, I’ve got limited material to work with.

It’s also why I tend to go in random directions with this blog.  Often I’ll read something which triggers memories which I tend to write down before I forget them again.  Kind of like LSD flashbacks to the 60’s and 70’s.  Of course, I try to encourage that by having random PINK FLOYD songs come up on Pandora while I’m trying to write.

Music is one of the few things that my memory gaps don’t seem to cover.  Although I have to admit I really don’t understand why I used to like URIAH HEAP so much.  Similarly, I’m not sure if it’s memory or maturity which makes me wonder how I could ever have thought BLAZING SADDLES was actually a funny movie.  I guess that’s not really abnormal.

I used to read a couple of hundred books a year but in the last 12 years I’ve only read a handful.  (I still read a lot but it’s almost all online.)  Music is still important but I used to buy two or three albums a week.  Now I might buy a disc every year or two whether I need it or not.  Movies have remained the most consistent from the old man to the new man.  I still prefer science fiction/fantasy/action/adventure to everything else although I indulge in quite a few musicals and (gasp) chick flicks.  My taste in TV shows is the same as movies but I don’t have a clue what night or network anything I like is on.  I don’t watch TV on my television, I watch a few shows on HULU.

The thousand pound gulley cat in the picture, however, is religion.

I was fully planning on becoming a full time preacher.  I was even convinced that in order to do that I might have to start my own church.  Gung ho doesn’t begin to describe my attitude.  I was a fanatic of the first degree.  Nothing could stop me including multiple setbacks thrown in my way by other preachers intimidated by my style and passion.  I was so into living by faith that I nearly killed myself by refusing to take essential medicines to control my blood pressure.  I was an all or nothing type.

I still am.

I don’t understand this wishy-washy, agnostic, I’m not quite sure, stuff.  You are either a believer or you’re not.  Hot or cold.  Lukewarm will get you spit out, read your bible.  You don’t actually think that you can believe just a little just in case and be able to fool god into thinking you’re the real deal?  You don’t actually think just saying the magic words without any real conviction will get you in and keep you in without requiring all the other obedience necessary?

Seriously, folks, according to the bible, god has shown up in undeniable ways before and people still didn’t believe in him.  Study out some old testament Hebrew history.  If god were to show up today all over the earth at once, billions of people still wouldn’t believe he was really god.  Because if any little preconceived notion about him proved wrong, you would reject him; you would not automatically accept any new evidence, no matter how powerful.

Quite a few atheist bloggers like to claim no real atheist isn’t willing to be persuaded by some real proof.

Nonsense.  Jesus was god’s best statement to mankind.  Here’s a guy wandering around for three years speaking a few words of wisdom and performing some relatively minor magic tricks.  Supposedly the religious leaders didn’t recognize him but the common people did.  Those same common people turned right around and called for his condemnation when stirred up by the priests.  Those same common people did not rise up and save him from the Romans. 

Do you really think if he appears again that all the atheists, Hindus, Muslims, etc., are going to rise up and proclaim him king?  Now that there are actual explanations for how things work and technology has reached a point that it would appear godlike to any primitive person, do you really think any of god’s simple tricks are going to be sufficient proof?

I look at religion now and all I see is superstition.  Primitive fear.  Ignorance.  How could I have devoted myself to it for so long?  I first accepted the message when I was at the absolute lowest point in my life.  I had no resistance to the appeal of someone who would forgive me, cleanse me, make me whole, and become my best friend.  Why do you think they use funerals to preach their salvation message?

How can so many people be so blind to the fairy tale aspect of their holy word?  God gets so disgusted with sin that he wipes out all life except an impossible collection on an ark which includes people who are still sinners.  It took no time at all for sin to reclaim the world.  Bad plan there, god.  But we are also told that Jesus was the lamb slain from the beginning, he was the eternal plan for salvation.  If that’s the case what purpose did the flood serve?

Or how about the tower of Babel?  Do you really think they could have built a skyscraper taller than anything that exists now back in those days?  God was so threatened that he came down and confused the languages of men to stop them.  We have probes going to other planets and my computer can operate in multiple languages.  You can carry a little device in your pocket that will let you translate languages.

That may have impressed some primitive goat herders but what’s the big deal now?  I’ve been on the moon Pandora which was cool as hell, but it was all technology.  Think about it, we have moving pictures (with sound!) that come right out of thin air and we think absolutely nothing of it.  It’s perfectly normal and no big deal.

God would have to pull off the biggest stunt ever to convince the whole world and even then it would not do it.  But read your bible.  God doesn’t work that way.  His miracles and his power keep getting smaller and smaller in his own book.  His followers keep getting more and more simple minded.  God makes appearances in grilled cheese.  That’s not exactly big time proof.

I look and I wonder.  Why didn’t these things jump out at me back in the day?  Why didn’t the absurdity strike me?  Why didn’t I question the things I was taught?  The man of god said that god’s word said that’s how things are and I believed it. 

If only I could remember why I was so gullible.

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8. February 2010 by Frank.

(This was supposed to post several days ago but I’ve been on a mini-vacation (a wonderfully refreshing mini-vacation) made possible by an insurance payout from my late father-in-law.)

My job is deteriorating at an alarming pace.  Some truly bizarre plans and programs are being instituted at higher levels which can’t possibly bode well for a peon like me.  My particular store is apparently on very shaky ground despite decent sales numbers overall.  It’s certain key stats, however, that aren’t good enough.  Yes, that’s right, it’s the annual store is going to close scare.

This is the seventh or eighth time in the last ten years that this hoary old chestnut has been reused.

As usual, I’ll believe it when I see it.  I spent 17 years trying to convince myself you have to believe it first then you get to see it.  That’s what faith is, the evidence of things unseen.  You have to believe god’s promise first, believe you have already received the answer before there is an answer.  Then it will come to pass because god’s promises never fail.  Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen.  Got that?  Faith is substance and evidence of the invisible.  Word of faith bible teaching at its best.

If you refuse to believe something until you see the evidence of it, well, that’s not faith.  It’s just an observation.  But if you believe it just because god (or one of his minions) said so, then you have great faith.  If you believe without any evidence at all you can work miracles.  Just ask Jesus.

Except that it doesn’t work.

Even the people who teach this stuff know it doesn’t work.  Baptists and other mainstream denominations know it doesn’t work so they try to alter the meaning of the verses or add all sorts of conditions.  Pentecostal types tend to declare the verses in question are absolutely true but almost without exception the people are full of sin and prevent them from working.

God’s humble followers always have an excuse why god never does what he says he does.

The believer is always at fault or god has some mysterious purpose why they must suffer.  But there is always an excuse.  We always want the answer right now but it isn’t always god’s time, he operates on a different level at a different pace.  But rest assured that all the shit in your life is happening for a reason, a real good godly reason.

I tried to convince myself of that when I got sued, I tried to persuade myself when my wages were garnished, I knew god had a plan when he let my wife drive our new car into the side of a building, I tried real hard to believe all those times and more.  But guess what, I still can’t fathom any plan in any of those events even thirty years later.  None of them made me a better person or a better christian.  I didn’t learn any valuable life lesson.  I gained no understanding, I didn’t become wiser.  And my faith most certainly did not grow stronger.

So what divine purpose could there possibly have been?

Faith was my life despite all those failures, which shows how far gone I actually was back then.  My faith convinced me that I could beat my ridiculously high blood pressure without medication.  Surely god would honor my faith in his healing power instead of the chemicals of men.  I most certainly had more faith than a mustard seed.

God was busy elsewhere the morning the morning of my stroke.  My blood pressure was so far gone I should have been dead.  I had no symptoms, I felt absolutely normal, there was no warning.  I was full of faith, praising god.  I was completely convinced I was right.  But my heart couldn’t pump blood to this small part of my brain.  The  oxygen it carried couldn’t reach the brain cells that were dying by the millions.  And suddenly, I lost control of the right side of my body.  Some fundamental component of who I was died as the brain tissue died.

My old life was over.  There was a new man in his place.  This new man had no faith and didn’t care.  But that didn’t matter.  This new man was a better man than the old man.  He wasn’t deluded.

In August I will have been living with this for twelve years.  Twelve years of pain daily, continually.  Twelve years of being unable to concentrate long enough to read a book by an author I love.   Twelve years of not caring.  Twelve years of altered perceptions.  Twelve years of being unable to remember large chunks of my life.

But it’s also been twelve years of not trying to make all this crap fit into my belief structure.  That’s the big BIG difference.  In many ways life is much simpler than it used to be.  Back when I believed god was in control and he had a plan for my life, I had to work very hard to make all the random disasters that kept befalling me fit into that plan.  Which is very very difficult (if you think about it) because god never seems very willing to let you in on just what that plan actually is.  A wrecked car here, a financial disaster there, a horrible illness on the one hand, an untimely death on the other.  All of them have to fit some ill-defined plan that you’re only guessing about in the first place.  It’s a stress producer.

I always used to wonder why so many church people needed to be refreshed from daily life every Sunday.  How could they get so burdened down every week?  Why did they have to show up for mid-week service so they could get through to Friday?  At least for me what was happening was the exact opposite.  All the praise and worship and sermons and teaching were in reality just loading me down with more sin and guilt and more worry that secular life was going to corrupt me even more during the week.  So I rushed back to every service to get the strength I needed to cope with life.  But what I was really getting was reinforcement of what a wretched sinner I was and how desperately I had to cling to god.  And to church.

I’ll admit that “shit happens” isn’t always a very satisfying way to think but it is worlds above “I wonder what god’s plan (purpose) for this disaster was?”  It doesn’t require any great anguish or soul searching. No mental gymnastics required.  No trying to figure out a plan that doesn’t exist except in your own imagination.

Shit happens.  I’m screwed.  Let’s get on with it.

Simple.

I like it that way.

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8. January 2010 by Frank.

This is the fifth post I’ve written in the last two weeks but it is only the first post I’ve posted out of all of them.  Why?  Because I didn’t like the direction they were going. 

That direction was “nowhere”.

Not that they weren’t interesting, mind you.  They were just too much a reflection of my curmudgeonly anti-holiday / anti-tradition rantings that I do every year at holiday time.  In other words, I was following my own tradition of griping about other people’s traditions.  And, somehow, that just seemed wrong.

I do expect to get an earful of new material next week when I attend an “end of the world” seminar with a friend.  I’ve never heard of the speaker at all but I do know he’s Seventh Day Adventist so I have a pretty good idea of the direction he’ll be heading.  Yes, I know, I’m a glutton for punishment, but sometimes this sort of thing can be amusing if not informative.

I was always a fan of end of the world science fiction and that didn’t change when I became a christian.  I just traded mankind, aliens, and natural disasters for god, the devil, and demons as the cause of worldwide destruction.  The christian variations on the theme weren’t nearly as entertaining as the science fiction stories but I gave them more weight because they were based on the bible.  And since the bible was the word of god they had to be true and accurate.

Yeah, right.

I read multiple dozens of such books back in the 1980’s.  They were full of all kind of dire warnings and predictions stated with much bravura and unquestioned certainty; after all, god’s prophecies never fail.  Well, that was 30 years ago and hardly any of those declarations came to pass.  In fact, the average science fiction story by some hack writer was far more accurate in its predictions than anything the christian hack writers ever came up with.

One such book I remember was “When Your Money Fails” by Mary Stewart Relfe.  Not that it was a good book worth remembering.  It was a book full of all sorts of actual photos of diabolical mark of the beast money fantasies.  Well, at least, they were actual photos until you got to the last page where the author admitted they were all fakes (in very very very small print) designed for illustration purposes.  What’s remarkable is that there’s a website for this right here.  I only looked at the first page but can anyone say conspiracy theory?

Be very afraid of those embedded microchips.

Something far more plausible and disturbing is the retina scanners that deliver up tailored to the individual advertising in the movie MINORITY REPORT.  One of my blogs back in the day allowed for advertising so I put Google’s Ad Sense on it (this was when they first started promoting it).  It scared me to death when it started displaying ads that were about the exact same subjects as my current posts.  It didn’t take long to understand the technology behind it but it was quite eerie at first because I had never seen anything that uncanny.  Tailored advertising is here; tailored to the individual isn’t that far off.

Be afraid of that.  Especially if advertising works well on you.

Conspiracy theories seem to abound these days but they are really nothing new.  It’s when they are tied in with religion and right wing politics that they become really scary.  Because, unfortunately, otherwise ordinary people eat this stuff up.  The last time I went to one of these seminars there were over a thousand people there.  The one next week is in a much bigger building.  Even though I can’t remember the guy’s name I fully expect the place to be packed.

Don’t worry about me.  I am already practicing my eye rolling and covering my laughter with sneezing fits.  Not sure what to do if snoring occurs.

Posted in communication, technology, humor, interpretation, listen, education, hearing, signs, religion | Print | 4 Comments »

18. December 2009 by Frank.

Even the completely Christian christian in our little group of retail employees agreed that Oral Roberts was a conman.  There’s no arguing that particular point, it is an unbiased fact.  This guy could not leave it at that, however.  He felt it was necessary to point out that Roberts was responsible for getting the word of god out to millions of people.  God still used him in spite of his greed and excesses.

I almost started to argue that it was pathetic to think god wanted his word spread by false teachers.

Then I remembered this passage from the bible:  “It is true that some preach Christ out of envy and rivalry, but others out of goodwill.  The latter do so in love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel.  The former preach Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely, supposing that they can stir up trouble for me while I am in chains.  But what does it matter?  The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached.  And because of this I rejoice.”  (Philippians 1:  15 – 18)  That’s the apostle Paul while he was in prison.  (Emphasis mine)

As long as Christ is preached it doesn’t matter what the preacher’s motives are.  The ends justify the means.  It is the word of god.  So my fellow employee was correct in his assessment of Roberts, he was a conman but he spread the word to millions so what does it matter.

I still think that’s pathetic but there I go again thinking I’m more moral than god.

I don’t suppose it would do any good to point out that the gospel Roberts preached was the “healing and prosperity” gospel which is not the same thing as the “salvation” gospel (entire denominations won’t have anything to do with each other over those differences.)  I don’t suppose that pointing out the bible also says not to have anything to do with false teachers or anyone who brings some other gospel.  If you let them in your house you share in their evil work.  Seems like a blatantly huge contradiction to me.

I would have thought god had higher standards than that.

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6. December 2009 by Frank.

8 hours a day all week long.

Nothing but christmas music.  Songs from back in the 40’s, 50’s, and 60’s.  Repeated 3 or 4 times a day.  The company I work for is trying to turn my brain into a giant mushy pile of goo and make my ears bleed.

All the while trying to freeze me to death in the backroom since there’s been no heat back there for over a month now.

Not that they aren’t trying to fix it, every time the guy comes in, he manages to short something else out.  He then orders more parts which won’t be in for yet another week.  Rinse and repeat.

Naturally, my car breaks down to the tune of nearly $700, thus insuring that no one gets nuthin’ for christmas again this year.

And, yes, Virginia, my wife threatened me with burning in hell for eternity if I don’t stop swearing and start going to church.

This has been a really fun week.

We also got our first ice storm of the season.  I love sliding through intersections and slipping down roads flanked by 5 to 8 foot deep trenches with no guard rails.  Next week, they are already warning about a massive Winter storm expected to hit Tuesday or Wednesday.  Joy.

My wife is planning on joining the new church she’s been going to so she had a copy of the church constitution in the car.  I, of course, decided to read it on my lunch break one day.  I only got part way through it but there was so much wrong with it that I never would have agreed to it even when I was superchristian.  Right off the bat, one of the main tenants was that you have to support and uphold the constitution.  It’s a nondenominational church but it is very anti-pentecostal.  The first thing I would have had a huge problem with was the declaration that there are no “supernatural” spiritual gifts in effect anymore such as speaking in tongues or prophecy or healing (except under special circumstances as god sees fit).  Only “natural” spiritual gifts such as teaching, preaching, and helping are for the church today.  Notice the contradiction of terms.

This church is also of the once saved always saved variety.  You can check out anytime you like but you can never really leave.

They also declare that the bible is the inerrant, literal, actual words of god in the “originals” which is far more common than you might realize.  The major problem with that is simply that there are no originals.  No one has ever seen the originals, just copies of copies of copies of copies.  How does anyone know what’s in them?

Naturally, they cite plenty of scripture to support these doctrines.  I can easily refute every one of them with other scripture which completely contradicts the ones they use. 

The one killer doctrine they hold is the universal depravity of mankind.  You’re conceived in sin, born in sin, live in sin, you have sin flowing in your veins.  I find that vastly amusing.  All those precious little christian bundles of joy are really hideous agents of satan just waiting to bust out.  No one actually believes their baby is full of sin so they have all sorts of implied doctrines to excuse that oversight.  Everyone must have Jesus as savior, even the little children but there’s special consideration for those too young to have any ability to understand.  Universal depravity is a thorn in christian sides.

Something else rather amusing is that they carefully associate themselves with a group that represents nondenominational churches but leave themselves a detailed “out” in case that group decides to do something they don’t like.  As I read that section, I couldn’t help but wonder why god would lead that group in a different direction than the church.  Why would he allow there to be disagreement about his will?  Shouldn’t all churches be going the same way?

None of this is new.  It was going on back in the day.  It’s a pity there’s been no improvement in the last 3 decades but I shouldn’t be surprised.  There’s been no improvement in the last 2000 years.  It’s as odd as the whole prenup agreements nowadays.  You start with the assumption of failure.  That’s no way to succeed.

The bible says god never changes.  Then it turns right around and says that he does.  I guess his followers have to be ready for that.

I couldn’t see how absurd all of this could be back in my fundie days.  Now, it’s so patently obvious. 

It seems as if the month of December shines a spotlight on all these things.  It’s supposed to give you the warm fuzzies but all it does is make my head hurt.

My score?  Season 1:  Me 0

Posted in interpretation, communication, humor, listen, signs, emotion, education, hearing, religion | Print | 2 Comments »

23. November 2009 by Frank.

I’m getting tired of being told no real atheist is 100% certain there is no god.  I’m sick of hearing the words “trope” and “meme” as if they magically expressed some deep truth.  I’m quite exhausted by all the logical arguments.

We’re not all college age debate squad members.

And I know for a fact that the average church goer does not seek out unbelievers to use logic on them.  Nor are they likely to understand logical arguments if they do encounter one.  As much a deal is made about witnessing and saving the lost, the vast majority would rather just let the pastor do it.  I was in church, in ministry, for 20 years; I know whereof I speak.

So why are so many atheist blogs so big on trying to debate and prove wrong theologians and apologists?  Seriously, where does one go to find the local theologian, the wise holy man who knows all the arguments for and against?  There aren’t any mountaintops here in Michigan to make a pilgrimage to.

If it makes perfect sense for people to reject every god except one, then how is it that when one rejects that final god he still isn’t allowed to be 100% certain there are no gods?  What?  Have we got an additional supply of gods we don’t know about?  Am I being facetious?

Definitely.  I get tired of being told what I can and cannot think.

Practically everyone I know is some form of christian.  I do not debate any of them, I have no desire to do so.  I could show them so much proof their beliefs are wrong from their own holy bible that you would think anyone would be convinced I was right.  I don’t bother because it’s futile.  Anything I say goes into a very selective filter so that the christian never hears anything they don’t want to hear.

You can’t even get a Baptist to hear a Pentecostal belief correctly.

What chance would an atheist have?

There’s a time and place for debate and anyone can blog about whatever they want.  I actually enjoy some sound logic now and then.  What I resent is being lumped into groups that I’m obviously not part of.  We do that to the religious all the time and think nothing of it.  But they aren’t all the same, they don’t all agree, they certainly don’t all think alike.  Atheists don’t have any common bond other than a lack of belief in god(s) and yet we still try to put labels on each other and define how we all should think.  Sorry, that doesn’t work.

I read.  I come across words and phrases constantly that I have never heard anyone use in conversation.  I am reasonably sure I would have to define those words to whomever I was talking to, if I were to use them myself.  Meme and trope are two such words.  Atheist blogs use these words with alarming frequency and yet I have never heard them spoken by anyone.  I come in contact with a lot of people.  Atheist bloggers seem to think that everyone sits around thinking about these concepts if not all the time at least most of the time.

But what in the world is a meme?  From Dictionary.com, “Richard Dawkin’s term for an idea considered as a replicator, especially with the connotation that memes parasitize people into propagating them much as viruses do.”  Or “Ideas can evolve in a way analogous to biological evolution.”  Heavy stuff.  College professor speak.  Atheist bloggers picked up on the concept and obviously ran with it to the extent that one of them is mentioning a meme every time you look around.  I find it odd that my spell checker knows meme but apparently hasn’t heard the obvious sounding but totally obscure parasitize.  Put simply, memes are thought viruses.

Now that we have that straight, what’s a trope? From Dictionary.com, “any literary or rhetorical device, as metaphor, metonymy, synecdoche, and irony, that consists in the use of words in other than a literal sense.”  Don’t be embarrassed, I had to look up metonymy and synecdoche, too, although my spell checker does know them.  Let’s just say figure of speech shall we?  I used to get in trouble when I was a kid because I enjoyed reading the dictionary.  I was delighted to find cool sounding words that no one knew the meaning of.  I stopped doing that a long time ago but obviously other word nerds didn’t.

The point is, nobody talks like this in normal conversation.  What are we doing, trying to sound intellectual?  Or just trying to give the impression that we’re all a bunch of deep thinkers compared to our religious targets?

I do have to admit that there are quite a few atheist bloggers I read that actually are college students.  But outside their little groups who actually talks like this?

I have the misfortune to be related to some people very heavily involved in politics, law, and big money.  Occasionally I have been in their presence when they are communicating in political, legal, and wealth language that I barely understand.  I politely listen, keep my mouth shut, and manage to get the gist of what they’re talking about.  It isn’t pleasant and, again, most people don’t talk like this.

It’s also extremely obvious that nothing I think or say would be of interest to any of them.

I get the same feeling with quite a few atheist bloggers.  That’s what I’m ranting about.  I haven’t read all the relevant books, I don’t know all the right words.  I understand all this stuff far better than you might think but I don’t find it useful in dealing with other people.  Logic and reason are wonderful things but beating people over the head with them doesn’t work.  Someone struggling with losing their faith isn’t necessarily looking for cold hard facts, they may need some kind of emotional empathy more than that.

I had to deal with my stroke altered life and my loss of faith at the same time.  I didn’t have anyone to turn to, no one stepped in to help me or lead me to someone who could help.  My doctor knew nothing of stroke effects beyond his PDA and textbooks.  If there was any kind of support group in the area, no one referred me to them.  Not one but two churches turned their backs on me, there was no spiritual counseling either.  There weren’t any atheist blogs back then and, in a way, I’m glad there weren’t.  All the memes and tropes and logical arguments thrown around today would have left me cold back then.  I needed cold hard facts.  I needed solid reasons and explanations for what happened to me.

I didn’t need word games.

I certainly didn’t need anyone to tell me what to think or to believe.  I didn’t need to be assigned some label or to be put in some category.  I didn’t need to be alienated from the very people who actually could understand what I was going through.

That’s what disturbs me about a great many atheist blogs currently.  They seem hell bent on alienating the very people they claim to be trying to reach.

Lighten up, people!

OK.  Rant over.

Posted in wild guesses, interpretation, communication, humor, listen, hearing, religion, emotion, education, stroke | Print | 3 Comments »

21. November 2009 by Frank.

Many years ago Lester Sumrall was speaking about a big time evangelist in Africa (sorry, I can’t remember which one) who proudly told him that the first thing they taught newly founded churches was how to raise money.  Sumrall thought that was a fantastic idea.

That’s not too shocking, Sumrall was all about raising money.

Get them saved and teach them how to give to the church right away so you can get even more saved and teach them how to give to the church right away.  I’m not just referring to tithing, no, tithing was a requirement.  You weren’t actually giving until you gave money above and beyond your tithe.  If you didn’t tithe, god didn’t accept any of your other offerings, although the church gladly took it anyway.

Sumrall even stated that he thought it was also a good idea to send the deacons out to people’s houses to collect their tithes, offerings, and pledges just in case they didn’t come to church or “forgot” to pay up.  Money was more important than anything else in that ministry.

I joined up for the prayer line ministry.  I was shocked to discover that not only was I to pray for the callers, I was required to solicit them for money.  I was supposed to imply that god would be more inclined to answer their prayers if they financially supported the ministry.  I was also expected to man the telephones during their telethons, making calls to previous donors asking for more.  Some of these people on the list had given as little as ten cents.  I was then asked to continue making such calls weeks after the telethon was over.  Imagine my surprise one Saturday afternoon I was in the call center at the TV station alone when a couple I had seen in church came in and started calling people on the list.  It turned out they weren’t there as volunteers, they had been hired and were being paid to make the same calls I was making.

This whole ugly business very nearly destroyed my faith at the time.  Looking back, I wish it would have, I could have saved a few more useless years as christian.

But I was of the mind that one rotten apple didn’t mean the whole bushel was corrupt.

There is a perception that most televangelists are nothing more than big time con artists except among their followers.  This seems completely obvious to anyone not under their sway.  Having been up close and personal with several of them I know it as a fact.  Take a good con man and add in the ability to use religious guilt, you’ve got a multimillionaire televangelist.

I went to a Kenneth Copeland convention once even though I couldn’t afford the trip.  His teachings had me convinced I could do it by faith because I was sure god wanted me to attend.  I had to go to a worldly quick loan company to get enough money to pay for my hotel and to get back home, god didn’t help me at all.  Copeland, worth millions, was in the same restaurant as I and a number of other convention-goers.  Was he generous and treated all of us to a nice dinner?  No.  His fawning fans insisted on buying him and his wife the most expensive meals on the menu and pay their tip.  He was a great spiritual leader and god was just blessing him for doing god’s work.  I could have that, too, if I would just totally give myself to god as well.  But somehow or other, it never worked for me no matter how much I gave myself over to praying and studying the word.  I didn’t know how to raise money from the easily deceived.

But without exception these people know how to raise money.

I’ve never been financially sound, I’ve been struggling my entire adult life.  A large part of that is because I was trying to tithe and give offerings when I didn’t actually have enough money to do it.  These people convinced me that god had to have his share first (meaning the preacher and his church) before I paid my bills.  God’s 10% had to come off the top.  Unless you did that nothing else you gave mattered.  I made some horrendous financial decisions because of that teaching.

How the vow of poverty from days long past morphed into the prosperity gospel I have no idea.  But it did and now there are some branches of christianity that revolve around money far more than the son of god.  Sumrall taught that god wouldn’t heal you or bless you in any other way if you didn’t pay up.  Somehow if you deny me before men, I’ll deny you before the father got reworded to if you withhold your money from me, I’ll withhold the father’s blessings from you.  Anyone who sat under that ministry and got free of it knows that is the truth.

I frequently try to excuse less greedy churches.  Unfortunately, they still operate in the same realm.  Why is giving money a part of every worship service?   Why does it need to be done publically?  Jesus said not to let your left hand know what the right hand is doing.  What purpose does passing the offering plate serve other than to show other people your piety?  Seriously, why can’t church finances be done behind the scenes completely?

Because not very many would put any money in if they weren’t constrained to by some well applied public guilt.

You can’t serve god and mammon.

Apparently that isn’t true.

Money can’t buy happiness.  But it can buy off god.  Somehow that just doesn’t sound right.  Somehow that sounds like something human hucksters would do.  Hucksters in priest’s clothing.

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12. November 2009 by Frank.

I used to believe everything that happened had a purpose.  I was sure there was no such thing as coincidence, all the events of my life were part of god’s plan from the mind boggling to the miniscule.  I can’t think of a single scripture that actually says that but there are plenty of them that imply it.  I was not the only one who believed that.

I dare say most christians believe it to some extent or another.

When his followers were concerned about where their next meal was coming from Jesus pointed out that god feeds the birds and they were worth more than birds.  Even the hairs on their heads were all numbered.  Think about that.  Every hair on every head (well, except for bald guys) numbered.  Really implies god is very much interested in every single aspect of your life.  He keeps track of each hair on billions of people.

With that kind of attention to detail how can anything be just random coincidence?

Once you accept the premise that everything has a purpose or a reason, you’ve just gotten yourself into a huge can of worms.  I doubt everyone goes overboard with little day to day trivialities but what happens when something major happens?  There has to be an explanation for it.  Somehow it has to be part of god’s plan for your life.  God must be teaching you something.  God wants you to suffer through something so you can help others suffering the same thing.  He’s going to use your misfortune to bless someone else later on.  It’s in the rationalization of the reasons that you cause yourself the most stress and grief.

Why did god let my wife have a seizure and drive the car into the side of an office building?  I was at my faith peak when this happened.  It was insane the things I came up with to explain it.  The stupidest one of all was that he allowed it because she loved her new found freedom of driving more than she loved Jesus so he had to show her how wrong she was.  Jesus must be first in everything.  After all, he kept her from getting hurt, didn’t he?

It didn’t matter that we had just bought the car and it was a total loss.  It didn’t matter that the insurance premiums skyrocketed out of range of my budget.  It wasn’t important that the subsequent doctor visits with the extremely expensive medicines that our insurance didn’t cover nearly drove us to bankruptcy.  The financial stuff wasn’t important to god,  it just meant I had to learn to trust him more to supply our needs.

Nor was it of any importance that the testing of all those medicines severely altered her personality and nearly ruined our marriage before it even started. 

This is just an example of what kind of thinking believing everything has a purpose produces.  When I had the stroke, the same thinking kicked in but there wasn’t any faith mixed with it.  It led me to questioning everything I believed about my faith.  I started with the assumption that everything I believed was wrong, that somehow I had followed the wrong teachings or had misunderstood something vital.  That was how I gradually learned the truth that there wasn’t any god plotting and planning my life.   There is coincidence.  Shit happens.  Randomly and without reason or purpose.  The universe or even the immediate world around us is hostile to life.

It usually makes no sense whatsoever.

The deaths of my mother and my father-in-law were ugly, horrendous, devastating events.  There was no purpose in my mother suffering intense agony for three weeks.  No one got saved or grew closer to Jesus.  No one’s faith got stronger.  My father-in-law died abruptly without much warning, his health wasn’t good but nothing life threatening.  That has devastated my wife and her siblings.  He was the only thing that held them together as a family.  What’s the divine purpose behind that?

The problem is the rationalizing these events to make them fit the belief.

I know for a fact that this causes tremendous stress.  Much anxious hand wringing accompanied an abundance of prayer asking god for a reason to make sense of it.  Since no answer is ever forthcoming, your own mind starts trying to fill in the blanks.  Depending on how creative you are, you can come up with some seriously bizarre explanations.

Believe it or not, the stupidest idea I came up with to explain my wife’s accident was the one that satisfied both of us.  Looking back at it now, I can see how petty my god actually was, which is a pretty good indication of how petty minded I actually was at the time.  Imagine it, Jesus so wants to be the prime focus of your life that he allows (or wills) you to have an accident that destroys your car, part of an office building, your financial situation, causes years of disastrous drug trials which nearly cost your job and marriage, and severely pushes your faith to the breaking point.  All for what?  So that you’ll love him more and learn to trust him for everything.  Brought on by the joy my wife finally had at being able to drive a car whenever she wanted for the first time in her life.

That is a very small, pathetically needy god.

“God moves in mysterious ways,” says the previous generations.  We weren’t strongly religious when I was a kid but I heard this over and over.  It gives rise to letting your imagination run wild trying to make random events conform to your predetermined beliefs.  One of the great flaws of christianity is the idea that god leads you in the path you should follow.  This leadership isn’t verbal; it’s hunches, guesses, intuition, feelings, coincidences that can’t possibly be coincidences, mixed with a large portion of what you really want to be true.  If you claim you’re actually hearing the voice of god it’s the mental hospital for you but you’re still supposed to claim god is leading you, that still, small voice you know.  Interpreting bible verses to fit your situation is also encouraged.

But it’s all just guesswork.

You make stuff up to fit a pattern that isn’t really there.  How thoroughly you do this determines how much unnecessary heartache you cause yourself.  Sometime when I feel like really humiliating myself, I will reveal some of my more outrageous rationalizations.  I have trouble believing I was once so thoroughly deluded that I was sure god wanted me to start my own church.  All sorts of events made it seem so plausible, so necessary.  It started early on for me when I decided I was sent to the Baptists to wake them up spiritually.  When it became obvious they didn’t want to be awakened, it wasn’t too hard to shift gears and decide those were just training exercises.

Why, when they threw me out, it was just god telling me it was time to get moving.

Purpose driven life?

No, thanks.

Way too much trouble and far too complicated.

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8. November 2009 by Frank.

I keep coming across people who are very afraid.

Not of anything real mind you.  Just afraid.  “Oh, god, help me!” afraid.  Superstitiously afraid.

I don’t understand it.  One guy is constantly praying for and asking his followers to also pray for protection while they sleep.  Protection from what?  The closet monster?  The under the bed monster?  The boogie man?  Bad dreams?  Demons?  Things that go bump in the night?

Another fellow had to beg god for travelling mercies for an 8 mile trip the other day.  Oh yes, those 8 miles were fraught with danger and demons behind every bush we passed.  While it’s true that most accidents happen within ten miles of home (simply because, statistically, that’s where you spend the majority of your life) all the things that can hurt you are natural, not supernatural.

It seems obvious that these people have been trained to be afraid.  I don’t think they’re doing and praying these things out of habit because they put so much sincere effort into this behavior.  Far too deliberate to just be a habit.  So why is there so much fear in their lives that they need to beg god for protection just to sleep or go somewhere?

Frankly, if christians really believed their bible, they shouldn’t be afraid of anything especially the unknown.  There are verses which clearly show that the father, the son and the holy ghost all take up residence inside the believer, they actually make their home with you.  That right there is more than enough overkill to mean a christian never has anything to be afraid of.  Not to mention (although I forget the exact number) there are more than enough Be not afraid’s to cover the entire year and every bad situation known to man.  And to top it off, Jesus says he will never forsake you.  How can you beat a combo like that?  Apparently, it isn’t enough, however.  So you’re also told that Satan is a defeated enemy.

I used to try to teach this sort of thing but I was met with vehement opposition.  One man went so far as to declare he needed his fear, that he couldn’t survive without it.  The concept of a fear free life was so alien to him that he refuted everything I said and completely ruined my presentation.  I was completely unprepared for his outburst, I thought I was bringing some very positive good news.  It never occurred to me that anyone would reject it.

Unfortunately, like so many other biblical teachings, there is an exact opposite teaching to being fear free.  Not only are you supposed to love god with all your heart, soul and strength but you’re also supposed to fear him.  Look up the phrase “fear and trembling” for how you should approach your loving father.  “Fear him who after the killing of the body has the power to throw you into hell,” says Jesus.  The old testament god was so terrifying his own people were afraid to use his name; according to Jesus that didn’t change.  In fact it got worse, the old testament doesn’t teach an eternal hell for unbelievers.  The fear of hell is a new testament teaching. 

God’s name is not god or Lord.  Those are words used to represent him but they are not names.  What do you suppose the commandment not to take his name in vain is all about?  It isn’t about swearing.  If Yahweh or Jehovah were actually correct interpretations of the name there would be quite a few churches (particularly charismatic and Pentecostal) full of dead people because they dare to toss around the name so casually.

The fear of god is the beginning of knowledge.  Some fear is useful.  The fear of being burned will keep most people from sticking their hands into a fire.  The fear of punishment can prevent some bad behavior.  Some fear isn’t so useful.  The fear of rejection can keep you from meeting the person of your dreams.  The fear of failure can keep you from trying something new.  So what does fearing god do for you?

It creates a lot of stress for one thing.  You’re supposed to love him and believe he loves you but you’re also supposed to be afraid of him because he could be displeased and throw you into hell.  God is love but fear his wrath.  God isn’t willing that any should perish but not believing in Jesus will send you straight to hell.  You’re supposed to call out to god for salvation but what are you saved from?  That’s right, you’re saved from god’s wrath.

You supposedly have free will, god’s great gift to mankind, but you are a sinner by default, you have no choice.  You’re born that way, you were conceived that way, it’s in your blood.  Your only option is to believe in Jesus so you don’t suffer the consequences for your sins.  Unfortunately, even after you do that, you’re still sinful by nature so you could still wind up in hell (unless you’re an once saved always saved believer), you don’t actually have much of a choice in the matter.  Constant diligence and repentance.  Stress.

In fact, the only way god can stand the sight of you is by looking through the Jesus filter. 

You’ve probably seen the emails passed around that end with something of the nature of pass this on if you really love Jesus.  If you don’t it means you don’t care about souls.  If you won’t confess me before men then I won’t confess you before the father, says Jesus.  If you won’t post this you don’t love god.  If you don’t put your money in the offering plate you don’t love the lost, said Sumrall.  I’ve seen this type of thing quite a bit lately.  What is it playing on?  Fear.

Fear that god will not approve of you.  Fear that god knows you’re not doing enough for him.  Fear that you don’t read the bible enough.  Fear that you don’t pray enough.  Fear that god knows you masturbate.

Where does all this fear come from?  It comes from your fearless leaders, your fearless christian leaders.  People so full of fear themselves that they spread it around all over their followers. 

I got off the fear boat a long time ago.  I realized it wasn’t a healthy kind of fear long before I realized my faith was worthless.  Seriously, if god is for you who can be against you?  And yet I still see christian leaders trying to instill fear in their followers, from the small little cell groups to the big overpopulated megachurches.

Yeah, it will get results but ultimately it’s a lousy motivator. 

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24. October 2009 by Frank.

I went to a wedding last night.  It was at a Lutheran church.  It was very religious.  The booze was flowing, however, at the reception and by the time “I like big butts” was playing, it was obvious Jesus had left the building.

Not that the reception was held at the church.  “God forbid,” as they say.

The cognitive dissonance these bizarre rituals produce is rather astounding.  The couple themselves are not terribly religious but the wedding service was.  Once again it was all about Jesus, you would think it hardly matters if the couple was there or not.  The cleric was in his pajamas, I mean, his long white priestly robe.  Marriage is all about Jesus and his church, Jesus is the only reason we even know what love is, Jesus is the only way the couple can be happy, and the forgiveness of Jesus is the only way they can be successful.  They had to have Jesus because, well, they were both wretched sinners.  As were the rest of us witnesses.

I just love being told I’m a wretched sinner.  It’s so nice to know my wife is also a wretched sinner.  And, if you follow that thinking all the way, your marriage is a sin, too.  Which explains why your children are conceived and born into sin so they can be sinners as well.  Everybody needs Jesus.

I know Jesus was there because there was a little statue of him hanging on a cross on the altar along with a stylized art deco wire frame Jesus head, with halo, overhead.  Otherwise the church was rather unpretentious and actually quite small.  That little statue grabbed all my attention, however.

When I was a christian that particular symbol never really bothered me nor did it attract me enough to brandish it about as some are wont to do.  I’m not big on symbols or the need for them, anyway, so I never gave it much thought.  The only time it thoroughly grabbed my attention and I realized how ugly it actually was, was when I happened to walk past a catholic church downtown.  The door was open so I looked inside.  There was a very graphic Jesus on a cross displayed in there, it was at least 25 feet long, and it protruded out over the congregation.  There was no way you possibly ignore the grotesque thing no matter where you sat.  It was bloody and the character was obviously in great agony. 

I thought the thing was absolutely sickening.

The little crucifix in the church yesterday was only a foot tall and not bloody but it still clearly showed a crucified man with a thorn crown on its head.  Really rather barbaric and primitive, ugly but with the nastiness sort of covered up.  But it wasn’t quite accurate.  The character should be naked, the bible says they took his undergarment.  But you never see that in any of these obnoxious things, we can handle looking at a man being tortured to death but, by god, we don’t want him to have a dick.  Somehow a nonsexual bloodless man being tortured is OK to worship but lets keep the gore and sex out of it so we don’t get offended.

Say what you will about Mel Gibson’s PASSION OF THE CHRIST but at least it made the crucifixion as sickening as it actually was.

As I sat there yesterday I got focused on the wretched thing and all these thoughts went through my head.  The cleric reminded us all that Jesus had indeed died for our sins.  I never understood, even as a christian, why it was necessary to keep beating that into ours heads at every opportunity.  How, exactly, is that something you could possibly forget?  Why the need for constant reminders.  Why the cleaned up imagery?  “I will cling to the old rugged cross,” says the song.  Another refers to standing beneath the cleansing flow (of Jesus’ blood).  Do people not understand the depravity and ugliness of these images?

An HBO miniseries a few years ago called ROME featured a scene in which one of the main characters got naked and entered underneath an altar where her priests slaughtered an animal.  This thing was designed so that all the blood poured down on the chamber below.  The woman had a fantastically beautiful body fully on display but the gallons of blood pouring down on her turned the image quite repulsive.  This may have been a pagan ritual but christianity uses the exact same imagery.

In contrast to all the religious hooey, the reception did not resemble the holy nature of the service.  Aside from the aforementioned booze there was the extremely loud dance music and flashing lights which I would make a joke about being seizure inducing if it weren’t for the fact my wife has epilepsy.  How she can stand those rapid fire flashes amazes me.  But even though she’s a lifelong Baptist and had a broken hip she still wants to dance.  Even the people who didn’t want to drink and dance sat watching other people drink and dance.  I don’t think any of them were real christians.

And that’s what so absolutely strange about these things,

Why do people feel the need to get all solemn and holy for the ceremony only to spend the rest of the day in wild (well maybe not really wild) abandon?  Why all the god talk followed by partying? Seriously, what has being sinners in need of a savior actually got to do with being married?  Why do you need god’s blessing if you’re going to turn right around and ignore him?

Oddly, one of the cleric’s main points was that at the wedding in Cana, the first sensible thing the couple did was invite Jesus to the wedding.  Jesus responded by not only coming but by bringing a present of some really fine wine.  This shows Jesus approved of the marriage but somehow or another he didn’t actually approve of booze.  If you think you can’t actually get buzzed off of fine wine then obviously you never drink wine.  I guess I shouldn’t expect real life to make sense when these stories don’t make sense.

Lately, every time I enter the religious world, I feel more and more alienated.  The very things and rituals I used to love are growing more repugnant to me every day.  I see this stuff without the religious blinders on and it seems truly repulsive.  It seems ignorant and superstitious, the domain of the uneducated.  I see no difference between it and fairly tales.

How did I come so far?

And how can I get others to come with me?

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