8. March 2010 by Frank.

No,  this isn’t about the health care “crisis” that’s in the news.

I had to take my dad to the hospital at 1AM Saturday morning  because he woke up with his heart racing at a ridiculous 150 beats.  You get right in the ER with a problem like that, especially when you’re 82 with a history of heart trouble.  Aortic Fibrillation, I believe they called it.  5 medicines and 7 hours later, they finally found something to slow it down.  My dad’s ok, almost like nothing happened.

Of course, he had to spend the day Saturday and overnight until this morning for observation.

The United States has the best health care system in the world.  Are you freaking kidding me?  Hmmm, maybe this is about the crisis (at least a little).  Anybody who makes a claim like that obviously hasn’t spent any time at all in my local medical establishment.

Nurse comes in with an ultrasound machine.  Makes him lie on his side which is damned inconvenient with IV’s in both arms.  Scan takes nearly half an hour.  The IV alarm loudly protests the entire time.  Nurse isn’t authorized to turn it off.  It continues at full volume for nearly an hour after she leaves.  This thing is literally so loud you can hear it in every room on the entire floor.  Several nurses pass by the room, none of them are authorized to turn it off either.  It’s driving us crazy but, apparently, it doesn’t faze any of the staff.

The different nurses and aides and doctors you come in contact with during your stay vary from extremely nice to rude to obnoxious to uncaring to downright hostile.  The vast majority of them are very uninformative as to what is going on and how long any of it is going to take.  Or why any of it is being done in the first place.

The nurse that did the release work this morning was somewhat like a bulldog in her demeanor.  I would hate to run into her in a dark alley late at night.  Scary.  Real Scary.

It’s bad enough most of these people are working 12 hour shifts.  One of the really nice ones was going on 16 hours.  I don’t see how overworked and over-tired people can be expected to be alert enough to handle life and death situations.

The only place in this hospital where you get actual immediate attention is Intensive Care.  They would have been on that alarm so fast it would make your head swim.  Not so anywhere else.

Staying awake all night, sitting in a very uncomfortable chair, waiting, is no great shakes, either.

It does amaze me that the social services person comes in and asks what church you’re affiliated with like it’s a forgone conclusion.  It’s just assumed that you are.  I found it obnoxious on several levels.  They assume you want your priest or pastor or whatever to be notified that you are there.

By the time she came in, I was pretty sure I was affiliated with the church of fuck you.

Fortunately for her my dad is much nicer and more polite than I am.

Posted in humor, emotion, religion | Print | 1 Comment »

5. March 2010 by Frank.

The guy who leads the song service is a pervert. He collects kiddie porn and exposes himself to a young boy helping him with chores. He’s not Catholic, he’s Independent Baptist. He faces eight years in prison and a lifetime on the sex offender list. He’s a local.

At a small (less than 100 member) church.

Everybody knows your name and all your business. Except somehow they managed to miss this moron entirely. Put him in charge of leading the worship service. Other church members are shocked, shocked I tell you. They had no idea, he seemed like such a nice guy. His voice was so beautiful as he praised god in song. How could this happen?

Your friendly neighborhood atheist isn’t shocked.

This kind of shit can happen anywhere. This church doesn’t believe in the gift of discernment of spirits. Why should they be able to see a pervert for what he is? Even churches that believe in spiritual discernment seem unable to discern anything. Claim you’re saved and you love the lord and we won’t question anything about your behavior until it’s way too late. Say the right words or have some musical gift or ability and you can lead the worship service every week. At least you can as long as no one catches you with your pants down.

This isn’t the first time I’ve seen this sort of thing. At a different Baptist church, the worship leader for several years was a Freemason. He proudly wore the ring and everything. There were books in the church library that debunked and denounced Freemasons, quite clearly putting them in the cult/devil worship category. No one cared, not the pastor, the deacons (this guy was a deacon, too), or the congregation in general. Spiritual discernment? B’ah! Who needs it?

Christians are fond of saying they aren’t perfect, just forgiven. Forgiveness may be a nice thing to have but it doesn’t actually change anything. If you were a murderer before you were forgiven chances are you’re still a murderer. If you were addicted to porn you probably still are. The idea of forgiveness may give you strength to overcome it but since there isn’t actually anyone forgiving you, you’re pretty much on your own. Many christians seem to think forgiveness means they can act any way they damn well please.

You would think god wouldn’t want people like this getting into positions of leadership in his church.

You would think he would tip the pastor off. But like so many other things, god remains mute. He doesn’t intervene. He doesn’t prevent the bullshit from happening and he doesn’t keep the world from finding out. He let’s his church be exposed to ridicule. He lets his name and reputation be dragged through the muck of disgusting human perversions. It’s almost as if he doesn’t care.

Or as if he doesn’t exist.

I know I’m being rather cruel and snarky but I do feel for this guy’s family. He’s ruined their lives as well as his own. But where, may I ask, is his all powerful god? Where is his god who can not only forgive him but cure him of his predilection for sin? Where’s his god who can tame his unholy desires? Where is his god whom he worships and admonishes others to worship? Where’s his god to whom he sings?

My guess is nowhere to be found.

Couldn’t the great and powerful god at least protect the innocent little kid from this pervert?

I have it on good authority that this incident has upset the other church members. But only enough that it gives them something to gossip about this week. Life will go on. Some other great holy man (or woman) singer will rise up to take his place.

As for me, this just confirms what I’ve always known. If there is a god, he doesn’t give a shit.

The little church will go on and this unfortunate event will soon be forgotten. It should shake people’s faith to the core but it won’t. It should raise all kinds of questions but they will go unasked. Somehow this spiritual leader will be deemed “not actually a real christian” after all. If he publicly repents, he will be forgiven by the congregation and possibly even welcomed back. (Well, maybe not by the parents of the kid.) After all, he’s only human.

A very fucked up human.

Posted in wild guesses, humor, listen, hearing, emotion, religion | Print | 2 Comments »

24. February 2010 by Frank.

I was just looking at a site that claims it is all 64 bit software available to download.  While looking at their most popular and top downloads lists, I noticed a small red dot icon on virtually every listing on the first three or four pages.  Curious fellow that I am, I investigated the little red dot.

It turns out the icon means, “It is not 64 bit software.”

Rather hypocritical I must say.  It’s why I won’t dignify them with a link.  They obviously aren’t what they claim to be so there’s no way I would recommend downloading anything from them.  I wouldn’t try it myself and I certainly wouldn’t encourage you to, either.

I’m a nice guy.

So what does 64 bit software have to do with anything you come here to read about?  Absolutely nothing.  But this isn’t about software, it’s about hypocrisy, a subject which has demanded my attention lately.  I used to be quite a hypocrite myself back in my religious days and I need to confess my sins, so to speak.

It’s no great secret that religious, political, business, etc., leaders talk out of both sides of their mouths frequently, fluently, and without shame.  “I never said that,” or “I never did that,” is typically countered with, “Here’s a video of you saying or doing exactly that just the other day!”  Which quickly is re-countered by “That’s taken out of context and isn’t what I really meant or did, booyah!”

All these people are just trying to control what you think, what you believe, and what you do with your money or your vote. 

Religion is especially nefarious about it, basically trying to control your entire life.  Look at how much religion has moved into the political arena and consider what big business it has become.  If that isn’t trying to control all aspects of it’s followers lives, I don’t know what is.

God needs your money.  If I would have been successful at starting my own church I would have begun by claiming that god would provide all the money I needed to get such an endeavor off the ground.  Eventually, I would have to admit that god didn’t provide directly as I assumed he would.  I would then have needed to come up with some sort of teaching to convince my followers to give or give more than they were.  10%?  Not enough.  You weren’t really giving until you gave more than your tithe, it wasn’t counting toward your hundredfold return.  Oh, yeah, I have no doubt I would have been forced to go down that path by my own ambitions.

One of the very first things I saw after becoming a christian was the church trying to control a couple of young people’s sex lives.  The girl had been divorced (which is a big biblical no-no) so the pastor and deacons felt they needed to intervene in her relationship with the new guy.  They insisted god gave them authority to make sure no one got into a sinful relationship which would condemn the young lovers to hell for eternity.  Essentially they said she could be forgiven but that she should either go back to her former husband or remain celibate.

Naturally when I came on the scene this young woman (and her boyfriend) befriended me strictly as a friend.  She was truly trying to make me feel welcome in the group, there was no misunderstanding of her motives or desires.  Nevertheless, one of the deacon’s (they preferred to be called elders instead of deacons) wife felt it was her duty to warn me about getting involved with this young woman.  Forgiveness, my ass.

This church, which was just starting, was trying to get into a teaching called “headship” that was widely popular in the early 80’s.  What it was, was an organizational structure that put the pastor at the top with the elders underneath him and then group leaders underneath them with all the ordinary folks in total submission to those over them.  You didn’t just answer directly to god, you had to go through the men (yes, it was all men) who were in authority over you.  Your wives and daughters had to go through you.  It was the foundation of a cult but they vehemently denied that every time it surfaced.

Yes, I started out with the really ugly side of christianity.

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your point of view) I studied the daylights out of the bible they gave me and became convinced their interpretation was wrong.  It was supposedly based on Moses and Judges after coming out of Egypt.  It was obvious to me that a rigid leadership structure was necessary to control a few million people but not a 100 person church.  I was all set to leave when they tried to implement their plans.

Like most churches, this one had a constitution which they called a covenant.  It was supposedly ironclad and could not be easily broken.  The pastor and his motley crew had bound themselves by it but the ordinary folks had not, yet.  They were having closed meetings to lay the groundwork for the new format when the same deacon’s (I mean elder’s) wife who had warned me about the divorced woman stood up in the meeting and accused the pastor of being demon possessed.  It seems she wasn’t too happy about being forced into submission and being required to be responsible for the other women.  Quite the shocker.

The very next day we were informed that the pastor and the elders had released themselves from their ironclad covenant.  The elders all turned tail and ran, never to be seen again.  No apologies, no explanations, no anything.  Six months after being saved, my church destroyed itself instantly, right in front of my eyes.  Why I stayed with christianity after that is a book length story all by itself.

Were all these people hypocrites?

Yes, they were.

Love, forgiveness, submission, covenants.  Love as long as you submit or toe the line.  Forgiveness if you obey but conditional at best.  Submission to those in authority over you, who are more mature in the lord than you.  Covenants that can’t be broken but which it turned out could be easily ignored.  What did it all amount other than a desire to control other people’s lives down to the most minute detail?

I’ll admit not every church goes anywhere near as far overboard as this church did.  But I want to point out that these elements are all present in all churches; the emphasis may not be the same but the goal still is.  They want to control what you think and what you believe.  That gives them control over what you do with your money.  It gives them control over what you do with your body and your relationships.  It gives them influence over your politics.  It gives them some measure of control over your entire life.  Maybe not as blatantly but far more than you might realize.

You reject all this and you risk becoming a societal outcast.

Reject the god of the godly life the majority around you submits to and see what happens.  You will find yourself alone in the wilderness without love or compassion from the godly.  They will condemn you.  They will treat you like cancer; something to be removed at any cost.

I know this because I used to be one of them.  I knew how to manipulate, to apply guilt.  I knew how to change people’s minds.  I knew how to control.  When I woke up and realized all that, I was ashamed of myself.  I never wanted to control anybody and yet I did exactly that.  I was actually quite good at it.

I was a hypocrite.

I’m not anymore.

Getting free of religion was the best thing I ever did.  That’s why I write this blog.  I bowed down of my own free will and I stood back up of my own volition.  I’m not out to change your mind.  If you want religion that’s fine by me.  Live it to the fullest of your abilities.  But know this, it doesn’t work for me anymore.  I intend to declare that to the world and I refuse to shut up.

Being an atheist is a pain in the ass.

But I’m not ashamed of it.

WYSIWYG!

Posted in interpretation, humor, wild guesses, listen, emotion, hearing, religion | Print | 3 Comments »

19. February 2010 by Frank.

My memory is full of gaping holes since the stroke.  Large parts of my pre-stroke life are completely gone.  My current short-term memories are rather limited, to say the least.  I generally have to rely on some random stimulus to get access to some forgotten memory.

I realize there’s nothing particularly unique about that, it works that way for pretty much everyone.

But what do you do when detailed events, including names, don’t elicit any response at all?  I believe I mentioned it back when it happened, but my father was reminiscing about my early teen years in the neighborhood.  He was rattling off names and describing how the whole neighborhood came over to our house to play football and other games because we had quite a bit of land out back complete with a pond full of fish.  I recognized a lot of the names because they were neighbors for many many years.  But I couldn’t come up with a single memory about doing anything with any of them.

Nothing.

My dad covered several years but I drew a blank for the entire period.  It was as if he was talking about the experiences of some other person.  It was an awkward conversation.  And it was weird.

Especially weird since I do think of myself as a different person than I used to be.  That guy I was as a teenager doesn’t exist anymore. (Big surprise.)  That guy I was up until the ripe old age of 43 doesn’t exist anymore.  (Here’s where the weird comes into play.)  I have some similarities to him but I’m not him.  Why should I expect to be able to access his memories?

That’s why I tend to use the same stories over and over, I’ve got limited material to work with.

It’s also why I tend to go in random directions with this blog.  Often I’ll read something which triggers memories which I tend to write down before I forget them again.  Kind of like LSD flashbacks to the 60’s and 70’s.  Of course, I try to encourage that by having random PINK FLOYD songs come up on Pandora while I’m trying to write.

Music is one of the few things that my memory gaps don’t seem to cover.  Although I have to admit I really don’t understand why I used to like URIAH HEAP so much.  Similarly, I’m not sure if it’s memory or maturity which makes me wonder how I could ever have thought BLAZING SADDLES was actually a funny movie.  I guess that’s not really abnormal.

I used to read a couple of hundred books a year but in the last 12 years I’ve only read a handful.  (I still read a lot but it’s almost all online.)  Music is still important but I used to buy two or three albums a week.  Now I might buy a disc every year or two whether I need it or not.  Movies have remained the most consistent from the old man to the new man.  I still prefer science fiction/fantasy/action/adventure to everything else although I indulge in quite a few musicals and (gasp) chick flicks.  My taste in TV shows is the same as movies but I don’t have a clue what night or network anything I like is on.  I don’t watch TV on my television, I watch a few shows on HULU.

The thousand pound gulley cat in the picture, however, is religion.

I was fully planning on becoming a full time preacher.  I was even convinced that in order to do that I might have to start my own church.  Gung ho doesn’t begin to describe my attitude.  I was a fanatic of the first degree.  Nothing could stop me including multiple setbacks thrown in my way by other preachers intimidated by my style and passion.  I was so into living by faith that I nearly killed myself by refusing to take essential medicines to control my blood pressure.  I was an all or nothing type.

I still am.

I don’t understand this wishy-washy, agnostic, I’m not quite sure, stuff.  You are either a believer or you’re not.  Hot or cold.  Lukewarm will get you spit out, read your bible.  You don’t actually think that you can believe just a little just in case and be able to fool god into thinking you’re the real deal?  You don’t actually think just saying the magic words without any real conviction will get you in and keep you in without requiring all the other obedience necessary?

Seriously, folks, according to the bible, god has shown up in undeniable ways before and people still didn’t believe in him.  Study out some old testament Hebrew history.  If god were to show up today all over the earth at once, billions of people still wouldn’t believe he was really god.  Because if any little preconceived notion about him proved wrong, you would reject him; you would not automatically accept any new evidence, no matter how powerful.

Quite a few atheist bloggers like to claim no real atheist isn’t willing to be persuaded by some real proof.

Nonsense.  Jesus was god’s best statement to mankind.  Here’s a guy wandering around for three years speaking a few words of wisdom and performing some relatively minor magic tricks.  Supposedly the religious leaders didn’t recognize him but the common people did.  Those same common people turned right around and called for his condemnation when stirred up by the priests.  Those same common people did not rise up and save him from the Romans. 

Do you really think if he appears again that all the atheists, Hindus, Muslims, etc., are going to rise up and proclaim him king?  Now that there are actual explanations for how things work and technology has reached a point that it would appear godlike to any primitive person, do you really think any of god’s simple tricks are going to be sufficient proof?

I look at religion now and all I see is superstition.  Primitive fear.  Ignorance.  How could I have devoted myself to it for so long?  I first accepted the message when I was at the absolute lowest point in my life.  I had no resistance to the appeal of someone who would forgive me, cleanse me, make me whole, and become my best friend.  Why do you think they use funerals to preach their salvation message?

How can so many people be so blind to the fairy tale aspect of their holy word?  God gets so disgusted with sin that he wipes out all life except an impossible collection on an ark which includes people who are still sinners.  It took no time at all for sin to reclaim the world.  Bad plan there, god.  But we are also told that Jesus was the lamb slain from the beginning, he was the eternal plan for salvation.  If that’s the case what purpose did the flood serve?

Or how about the tower of Babel?  Do you really think they could have built a skyscraper taller than anything that exists now back in those days?  God was so threatened that he came down and confused the languages of men to stop them.  We have probes going to other planets and my computer can operate in multiple languages.  You can carry a little device in your pocket that will let you translate languages.

That may have impressed some primitive goat herders but what’s the big deal now?  I’ve been on the moon Pandora which was cool as hell, but it was all technology.  Think about it, we have moving pictures (with sound!) that come right out of thin air and we think absolutely nothing of it.  It’s perfectly normal and no big deal.

God would have to pull off the biggest stunt ever to convince the whole world and even then it would not do it.  But read your bible.  God doesn’t work that way.  His miracles and his power keep getting smaller and smaller in his own book.  His followers keep getting more and more simple minded.  God makes appearances in grilled cheese.  That’s not exactly big time proof.

I look and I wonder.  Why didn’t these things jump out at me back in the day?  Why didn’t the absurdity strike me?  Why didn’t I question the things I was taught?  The man of god said that god’s word said that’s how things are and I believed it. 

If only I could remember why I was so gullible.

Posted in interpretation, technology, humor, listen, hearing, religion, emotion, education, stroke | Print | 4 Comments »

13. February 2010 by Frank.

Can anyone explain to me why Jon Stewart’s Daily Show has more hard hitting news than almost every “real” news show?  He’s calling out political hypocrisy that’s dead on while also being funny.  Case in point; the RNC having a big meeting at a luxury hotel in Hawaii in which they’re decrying the Democrats for being out of touch with regular people.  The absolute cluelessness of various people even when blatantly confronted with the hypocrisy was hilarious but sad as well.  These people on either side have no idea how us ordinary people live.

**********

Rachel Maddow had a segment pointing out Republican hypocrites who all voted against the stimulus bill taking credit for the good that same stimulus did in their districts.  Quite a few of them had large “check” signs made up which they handed to the happy recipients.  Bobby Jindal even signed his as if the money came from him personally.  What a bunch of douchebags.

**********

You may think all the anti-Republican stuff I mention is bit one sided.  Well, boys and girls, I used to be a hard core Republican when I was a christian nutjob.  I bought into the whole Republicans are godly / liberals are of the devil bullshit the religious right promotes.  I got all my news opinions from Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh before him.  I was convinced anything liberal or Democratic was a plot by Satan.  Only conservatives could be real men of faith.

**********

O’Reilly is a blowhard but Limbaugh has become a caricature of himself.  He’s so far off the deep end it isn’t funny.  I lost interest in anything he had to say a long long time ago but I pay enough attention to know when he comes up with new stupidity, it’s important because millions of people believe every idiotic word that comes spewing out his mouth.  I think my absolute disgust of him hit a peak when he mocked Michael J Fox on his TV show.  What kind of complete asshole physically mocks someone with Parkinson’s because he doesn’t share his political viewpoint?

Lest you tend to think Limbaugh is irrelevant, look at how Republican leaders bow down to him.  The high and mighty Sarah Palin declared it was absolutely OK with her if Rush called people retards because it was satire.  When Rohm Emmanuel did it first, it was horribly offensive and he deserved to be removed from office.  Double standards or does Limbaugh have that much power over Republican leaders?  Frightening if you think about it too long.

**********

Speaking of Sarah, did you see her use her crib notes written on her hand after complaining that Obama uses a teleprompter?  Do you think that wasn’t a carefully prepared bit of political satire?  The words on her hand are so pathetic and she was so obvious when she looked that you know it was a set up.  What they were trying to prove escapes me but the simple fact that anyone takes this airhead seriously is extremely disturbing.  At least Obama can actually read the big words and demonstrate that he knows what they mean.  Sarah chokes on anything more than two syllables.

**********

I was going to make a bad joke using the word fellatio and/or various euphemisms thereof, but I decided not to.

**********

Speaking of hypocrisy on a more personal level, a super-christian employee at work was complaining how other employees on the other side of the store don’t follow policy.  We are required to walk customers to the product they want and hand it to them, none of this pointing to the aisle and leaving them to fend for themselves.  This is a valid criticism, several long time employees are notoriously inconsistent in performing this duty.  Within minutes of making this complaint, however, super-christian pointed a couple of customers to the back of the store and told them to let us know if they needed help.  This was rather pathetic.  Especially since the vitriol aimed at the other employees who are ruining our service scores was so fierce.

What happened to the biblical principle of not mumbling and complaining?  Was “SC” even aware of his own hypocrisy?  Or was he that totally oblivious?  Or did he know exactly what he was doing and just didn’t care?

**********

Last weekend at this time I was having a wonderful breakfast at a lovely Bed and Breakfast Inn just before an extremely relaxing full body massage.  This weekend I’m back in my rut.  I prefer last weekend but I can’t afford it again.  Nevertheless, my wife and I highly recommend Castle in the Country for an incredible weekend getaway.  If you’re in Michigan and want to enjoy your stay, you can’t go wrong with them.

Posted in communication, humor, wild guesses, hearing, emotion, religion | Print | 2 Comments »

8. February 2010 by Frank.

(This was supposed to post several days ago but I’ve been on a mini-vacation (a wonderfully refreshing mini-vacation) made possible by an insurance payout from my late father-in-law.)

My job is deteriorating at an alarming pace.  Some truly bizarre plans and programs are being instituted at higher levels which can’t possibly bode well for a peon like me.  My particular store is apparently on very shaky ground despite decent sales numbers overall.  It’s certain key stats, however, that aren’t good enough.  Yes, that’s right, it’s the annual store is going to close scare.

This is the seventh or eighth time in the last ten years that this hoary old chestnut has been reused.

As usual, I’ll believe it when I see it.  I spent 17 years trying to convince myself you have to believe it first then you get to see it.  That’s what faith is, the evidence of things unseen.  You have to believe god’s promise first, believe you have already received the answer before there is an answer.  Then it will come to pass because god’s promises never fail.  Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen.  Got that?  Faith is substance and evidence of the invisible.  Word of faith bible teaching at its best.

If you refuse to believe something until you see the evidence of it, well, that’s not faith.  It’s just an observation.  But if you believe it just because god (or one of his minions) said so, then you have great faith.  If you believe without any evidence at all you can work miracles.  Just ask Jesus.

Except that it doesn’t work.

Even the people who teach this stuff know it doesn’t work.  Baptists and other mainstream denominations know it doesn’t work so they try to alter the meaning of the verses or add all sorts of conditions.  Pentecostal types tend to declare the verses in question are absolutely true but almost without exception the people are full of sin and prevent them from working.

God’s humble followers always have an excuse why god never does what he says he does.

The believer is always at fault or god has some mysterious purpose why they must suffer.  But there is always an excuse.  We always want the answer right now but it isn’t always god’s time, he operates on a different level at a different pace.  But rest assured that all the shit in your life is happening for a reason, a real good godly reason.

I tried to convince myself of that when I got sued, I tried to persuade myself when my wages were garnished, I knew god had a plan when he let my wife drive our new car into the side of a building, I tried real hard to believe all those times and more.  But guess what, I still can’t fathom any plan in any of those events even thirty years later.  None of them made me a better person or a better christian.  I didn’t learn any valuable life lesson.  I gained no understanding, I didn’t become wiser.  And my faith most certainly did not grow stronger.

So what divine purpose could there possibly have been?

Faith was my life despite all those failures, which shows how far gone I actually was back then.  My faith convinced me that I could beat my ridiculously high blood pressure without medication.  Surely god would honor my faith in his healing power instead of the chemicals of men.  I most certainly had more faith than a mustard seed.

God was busy elsewhere the morning the morning of my stroke.  My blood pressure was so far gone I should have been dead.  I had no symptoms, I felt absolutely normal, there was no warning.  I was full of faith, praising god.  I was completely convinced I was right.  But my heart couldn’t pump blood to this small part of my brain.  The  oxygen it carried couldn’t reach the brain cells that were dying by the millions.  And suddenly, I lost control of the right side of my body.  Some fundamental component of who I was died as the brain tissue died.

My old life was over.  There was a new man in his place.  This new man had no faith and didn’t care.  But that didn’t matter.  This new man was a better man than the old man.  He wasn’t deluded.

In August I will have been living with this for twelve years.  Twelve years of pain daily, continually.  Twelve years of being unable to concentrate long enough to read a book by an author I love.   Twelve years of not caring.  Twelve years of altered perceptions.  Twelve years of being unable to remember large chunks of my life.

But it’s also been twelve years of not trying to make all this crap fit into my belief structure.  That’s the big BIG difference.  In many ways life is much simpler than it used to be.  Back when I believed god was in control and he had a plan for my life, I had to work very hard to make all the random disasters that kept befalling me fit into that plan.  Which is very very difficult (if you think about it) because god never seems very willing to let you in on just what that plan actually is.  A wrecked car here, a financial disaster there, a horrible illness on the one hand, an untimely death on the other.  All of them have to fit some ill-defined plan that you’re only guessing about in the first place.  It’s a stress producer.

I always used to wonder why so many church people needed to be refreshed from daily life every Sunday.  How could they get so burdened down every week?  Why did they have to show up for mid-week service so they could get through to Friday?  At least for me what was happening was the exact opposite.  All the praise and worship and sermons and teaching were in reality just loading me down with more sin and guilt and more worry that secular life was going to corrupt me even more during the week.  So I rushed back to every service to get the strength I needed to cope with life.  But what I was really getting was reinforcement of what a wretched sinner I was and how desperately I had to cling to god.  And to church.

I’ll admit that “shit happens” isn’t always a very satisfying way to think but it is worlds above “I wonder what god’s plan (purpose) for this disaster was?”  It doesn’t require any great anguish or soul searching. No mental gymnastics required.  No trying to figure out a plan that doesn’t exist except in your own imagination.

Shit happens.  I’m screwed.  Let’s get on with it.

Simple.

I like it that way.

Posted in listen, interpretation, humor, hearing, education, religion, emotion, stroke | Print | 2 Comments »

25. January 2010 by Frank.

I went with my wife to church today because she was going to sing a special.  She did good.  The pastor, however, didn’t.

His main topic was prayer with faith being a secondary reinforcement.  Unfortunately for him his choice of verses quite clearly state that the prayer of faith WILL heal the sick.  This does not fit in with his beliefs or the doctrines of his church so he was forced to add conditions and alterations to the verse to make it mean something it did not say.  At the very least this is rather dishonest.

It’s also why it is no use trying to use logic and reason to refute these people; they are masters of making contrary statements fit their own preconceived notions by any means possible. 

Part of his elaboration was that in order for god to be god there had to be mystery involved.  Our minds are so petty that they can’t conceive the things of god.  His will is a mystery, his reasons for our suffering go beyond our ability to understand.  And since there is such mystery we can’t assume the prayer of faith will actually do what the bible says it will do.  Why?  Because we’re all sinners with tiny little pea brains.

Besides, it’s more about spiritual healing anyway.

What, may I ask, is spiritual healing?  Seriously, go in any church and try to get someone to actually explain what your spirit is in comprehensible terms.  I guarantee getting a straight answer is next to impossible.  Get them to tell you what’s the difference between spirit and soul.  If anyone has an answer it will be some variation of only the word of god can divide the two.  It is one of god’s mysteries.

Let’s just go with a basic definition; your spirit or soul is that part of your consciousness that makes you you.  Simple enough?

Now then let’s ask someone such as myself who has suffered brain damage what they think that means.  Any  small amount of research will show you that brain damage (injury, stroke, disease, drugs) can radically alter your personality.  It can change what makes you you in such a way that you can no longer even recognize yourself.  It can baffle other people so much that they will literally withdraw from you because they can’t comprehend how different you are.

If simple physical damage can change who you are and how you think how can there be some immaterial spirit being who is the real you?  How could I go from a fired up christian fanatic to a complete unbeliever without even trying?  I have a clearly defined dividing line between who I was before the stroke to who I am after.  There’s no grey area.  Faith was everything before and it’s nothing now.

Not that I just accepted that.  No, I studied relentlessly to find an explanation.  I studied different doctrines, church history, different philosophies; works I never would have looked at before.  I looked to science and medicine and found out about brain damage and what it could do.  I found actual, real, physical, natural explanations for what I was convinced was a spiritual problem.  And I learned to cope with it.

I found the truth and the truth set me free.

The truth wasn’t the bible.  It was cold, hard facts.

What I want to point out to people is simply this; if your faith and beliefs require you to add words or alter their meanings from your own sacred texts, then, obviously, your texts aren’t quite so sacred as you claim.  You know the verse doesn’t work but you can’t admit that.  So you throw in some mystery.  You add some variable that allows you to fail so that you can claim god’s word didn’t fail.

If the bible was really the word of a real god it wouldn’t need such dishonest help.

Would it?

Posted in wild guesses, interpretation, communication, listen, hearing, religion, emotion, stroke | Print | 3 Comments »

17. January 2010 by Frank.

Unless you live under a rock, you’ve seen or heard or read about Haiti this past week.  A monumental tragedy brought on by natural forces.  More than likely you’ve heard that paragon of virtue and christian compassion, Pat Robertson, blame the disaster not on nature but on a pact with the devil made back in the seventeen hundreds.  Which he assures us is a true story and even quotes the devil to prove it.  How anyone can take this douche bag seriously is beyond me.

But his lack of compassion should hardly be surprising; his god has shown no compassion whatsoever.  You see human beings giving their money, time, and physical efforts regardless of nationality or religion.  You see countries pouring out all sorts of humanitarian aid.  You even see some churches helping.  What you don’t see is any indication of is a merciful god doing anything to protect or help hundreds of thousands of people who lives have been destroyed.  You sure don’t see him helping to get all that aid to the people who actually need it.

That really isn’t the topic of this post, however.

A person I know is on a 3 state trip due to a family matter.  This person has quite a lot of followers on FaceBook.  He asked them to be praying for “traveling mercies” when he left.  Traveling mercies are sort of a pet peeve of mine.  Considering the appalling lack of godly mercy for the people of Haiti, I find the mere asking for such mercies rather appalling in itself.  The family of an impoverished widow is wiped out by a relentless force of nature and there is no mercy for her.  But the wonderful, loving, christian god will keep his needy followers safe on the freeway or help find their car keys when they’re in a hurry?  What is wrong with this picture?

This person isn’t unique.  I used to be the same way.  No matter what was going on in the world (and there’s always something horrifying going on) I thought my intimate little god was right there with me in the most mundane things of daily life.  It never occurred to me to question how he could help with my stomachache but ignore the guy down the street bleeding to death from a knife wound.  Selective mercy; what a concept.

Except, of course, that is what the bible says plain as day.  “I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on who I will have compassion.” That’s Romans 9:15 but read the whole thing.  That’s where god declares some are made for ignoble purposes and he puts up with them in order to display how great he is.  Like he did with Pharaoh and Moses.  Other verses claim he has mercy for all but it doesn’t take much to prove that isn’t true.

Everyone turns a blind eye to the suffering of others at some point in their life or another; you literally couldn’t cope with all the suffering in the world if you didn’t.  But god is supposed to be bigger than all of us, why is it he can’t seem to handle all of it either?  What bugs me is how his followers can so easily ignore reality as well.  These people are suffering horrors I can’t even imagine but please lord help me drive my car safely.  Except that the part about these people are suffering horrors I can’t even imagine does not even enter the equation.  It’s just I need travelling mercies.

No, I’m no great humanitarian myself.  There’s nothing I can do.  In the old days I would offer up a prayer or two or give some pitiful amount to a religious charity and claim I did my share.  I can still give some pitiful amount but there’s nothing to pray to anymore.  The results are the same.

The only help the people are going to get is going to come from other people.

Feel free to keep begging your pathetic little god to watch over you.  I am ashamed of myself for how much of that I did in my life.  These things I rant about seeing christians doing are all things I used to indulge in myself.

It’s disgusting.

Posted in communication, wild guesses, hearing, emotion, religion | Print | 9 Comments »

22. December 2009 by Frank.

With an 83% rating on RottenTomatoes, AVATAR, James Cameron’s latest masterpiece can best be described as awe-inspiring.  In 3D.  I don’t know if it has the same impact in 2D (apparently it does, a friend tells me he thinks it is the best movie ever made and he only saw the 2D version).  I wish it was convenient for me to go see it on an Imax screen in 3D, I would probably be trying to think of more superlative words than mere awe-inspiring.

I’ve seen 5 or 6 digital 3D movies and while the technology is impressive (very mild headaches instead of bleeding eyes) the movies themselves really gained nothing by the third dimension.  Cool but hardly worth the extra expense.

AVATAR is completely different.  It is what you would expect 3D to be, real depth and actual physicality.  The movie takes place on the planet Pandora which is the most real, super detailed, living, breathing sci-fi/fantasy world ever created.  I never once felt like I was not in a real place.  Pandora is real, fantastic, and totally alien.  The overwhelming size of everything, from the towering heights of the Hometree to the seemingly miles deep vistas of canyons, waterfalls, and floating sky islands, staggers the imagination.  The incredibly vibrant colors of the various flora and fauna are beautiful to behold.  I saw one review mentioning that he/she thought Cameron had invented some new colors, I think that’s probably true, I’ve never seen anything that looks so breathtakingly gorgeous.  Did I mention how real it was?

I never once thought I was looking at computer animation, I was completely immersed in the planet Pandora.  Nothing seemed to be just a gimmick like every other 3D movie ever made.  There weren’t any sharp pointed objects leaping out at you just to startle you.  The film uses 3D like it was natural, it’s just how you see things.  It created incredible heights and amazing depths, none of which seemed forced or faked in any way.

The story is very simple.  There isn’t anything wrong with that like some critics imply.  It’s simple and powerful.  I don’t think a complicated or convoluted plot would have been appropriate with the sensory overload the lush gorgeousness of the planet produced.  Consider the basics of any epic fantasy and it’s all there.

It works because the Na’vi are real characters.  They are real people with intense expressions and emotions which are beautifully portrayed by their facial expressions.  One of the big complaints with computer animation is the eyes, until now no one has gotten them quite right.  You’ll never even notice in this movie which means they look entirely natural.  I never felt I was watching special effects moving around.

I bought everything that was happening as if it were all real.  Filmed on location with some great native actors.

I’ll have to see the movie several times before I get all the words and the names figured out.  I definitely want one of those flying dragons for my very own even though it would try to kill me to let me know it chose me.  Again, I never thought of them as special effects.  The Na’vi’s relationship with the animals was very intense and personal.  Once bonded, no one else could ride it.  They were equally bound to the forest and all the other life that abounded there.  Very native American in many ways.

To say that the final battle is spectacular is a vast understatement.  You will not be cheering for the humans and their advanced spaceships and weaponry.  Their motive is simple greed and that greed justifies what amounts to genocide.  It’s disgusting, watch their faces when they get their marching orders and then watch closely when they realize what they have done.  Truly epic.

Best movie ever made?

Yes.

Posted in humor, technology, listen, hearing, emotion | Print | 3 Comments »

18. December 2009 by Frank.

Even the completely Christian christian in our little group of retail employees agreed that Oral Roberts was a conman.  There’s no arguing that particular point, it is an unbiased fact.  This guy could not leave it at that, however.  He felt it was necessary to point out that Roberts was responsible for getting the word of god out to millions of people.  God still used him in spite of his greed and excesses.

I almost started to argue that it was pathetic to think god wanted his word spread by false teachers.

Then I remembered this passage from the bible:  “It is true that some preach Christ out of envy and rivalry, but others out of goodwill.  The latter do so in love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel.  The former preach Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely, supposing that they can stir up trouble for me while I am in chains.  But what does it matter?  The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached.  And because of this I rejoice.”  (Philippians 1:  15 – 18)  That’s the apostle Paul while he was in prison.  (Emphasis mine)

As long as Christ is preached it doesn’t matter what the preacher’s motives are.  The ends justify the means.  It is the word of god.  So my fellow employee was correct in his assessment of Roberts, he was a conman but he spread the word to millions so what does it matter.

I still think that’s pathetic but there I go again thinking I’m more moral than god.

I don’t suppose it would do any good to point out that the gospel Roberts preached was the “healing and prosperity” gospel which is not the same thing as the “salvation” gospel (entire denominations won’t have anything to do with each other over those differences.)  I don’t suppose that pointing out the bible also says not to have anything to do with false teachers or anyone who brings some other gospel.  If you let them in your house you share in their evil work.  Seems like a blatantly huge contradiction to me.

I would have thought god had higher standards than that.

Posted in interpretation, communication, listen, hearing, emotion, education, religion | Print | 3 Comments »