18. December 2008 by Frank.

Victim – (1) someone or something killed, destroyed, sacrificed, etc. (2) one who suffers some loss esp. by being swindled

I am not a victim. Never have been, never will be. I am a survivor. My mentor, Karen, whom I met shortly after the stroke altered my life, was extremely adamant about telling anyone who came to her for help recovering from a stroke, “you are not a victim! Never say that! You are a survivor!” She would kick your ass (virtually speaking) if you used that word.

She knew what she was talking about. Before her 6^th stroke killed her, the previous 5 had begun when she was only 15 and had left her barely able to speak and only able to use one finger of each hand. Nevertheless, she had built an online empire dedicated to helping stroke survivors. She worked from an old underpowered laptop hooked up to a piss poor 56K connection in the backwoods of Tennessee. She wouldn’t let anyone get carried away with self pity and she wouldn’t tolerate you calling yourself a victim.

I wasn’t inclined to use the word anyway but after getting to know Karen, it never occurred to me to use it again. She inspired me like no one else ever has or ever will. She didn’t want pity. She never complained about how hard her life was (although she would have been entirely justified if she had). She was a survivor and that’s what she wanted you to know about her ordeal.

That and the fact that you could survive, too.

Playing the victim is such a common thing in today’s society. I just read several articles today about Christians whining about atheist signs ruining their Christmas displays on government property. The government has two choices; either display religious signs and symbols from all religions or lack thereof, or, don’t allow any such signs and displays on government property. I believe the latter option is the best. No such luminary less than Chuck Norris (whom I can’t picture ever playing the victim) was whining about it with the words, “What about when Christians are the victim?” Christians love to be the victim. I fail to see how an over 80% majority that pretty much gets its own way in American society can possibly claim to be the victims against all us measly 5% atheists who are reviled just for having the temerity to exist.

The big bad (insert your favorite bully here) won’t let us have everything our way. They’re trampling on our rights. They’re offending us. Just knowing they hate us offends us. Oh, boo hoo, have pity on us.

When I hear the word victim that is what I start thinking. It is a weak, powerless position. Oh yeah, life can choose you as its victim, pounce on you and beat the crap out of you. But how you react and respond to that beating determines whether or not you actually become a victim.

My mother in law died from a series of strokes. She was a victim. She didn’t know how to fight back and none of us knew how to help her. You could see the life go out of her eyes. She gave up and it destroyed her.

I saw the exact same thing happening to me.

Nobody knew how to help me, either. My doctor was just as ignorant and unhelpful as her doctor had been. My wife didn’t have a clue how to help me. My daughter was only 14 but she at least had enough sense to listen to what I was saying at the time. She was the only one who did listen. Until I met Karen online. Don’t be a victim!

Re-read the definition of victim at the beginning of this article. Now contrast that with the definitions of survive and survivor:

Survive – to remain alive or in existence after – to continue living or existing

Survivor – (1) one that survives (2) someone regarded as capable of surviving changing conditions, misfortune, etc.

Which would you rather be?

TinaFCD used the phrase “stroke victim” in one of her greatly appreciated comments. She also mentioned she likes rants. So, since the word victim sets me off and I like to rant, I thought I’d kill two stone birds with one rock, so to speak. No matter what degree a stroke affects someone it is in some way life altering. If I had chosen to be a victim I would probably be dead by now. At the very least, I would not be able to walk. No one ever notices how I walk but even after ten years it is not natural to me. But I chose to be a survivor so I learned how to walk again.

They tried so many drugs on me and they sent me to all kinds of therapy. Nothing worked. I could have chosen to be a victim. I could have sat in a chair for the rest of my life drooling on myself. You would not believe how strong the desire to do just that was at first. I could have chosen a drug induced stupor that sure felt good but left me incapable of doing anything. I could easily have gone down the same path as my mother in law. There was nothing to stop me.

But I am not a victim.

I am a survivor.

I chose the pain. I chose not to be a victim. Like Hugh Jackman said in Van Helsing, “The pain let’s you know you’re alive.” Sure there are times when I would give anything for some relief but all it takes to knock me out are a couple of beers or one good stiff drink. I don’t sleep well but the only time I feel good (relatively speaking) is when I’m asleep.

I don’t know if this seems like much of a rant to anyone else but nothing pisses me off faster than someone playing the victim.

Anytime I catch myself doing it, I have to kick my own ass.

Posted in communication, interpretation, listen, stroke | Print | No Comments »

15. December 2008 by Frank.

In the early years of living with a stroked out mind and body I was quite passionate about what happened to my faith. It was shocking how thoroughly it had failed me and how completely disconnected I felt from my former way of life. I wrote about it extensively but I could not find an audience to discuss any of it with. Atheist blogs were not common. I managed to find stroke survivors who understood the physical and mental problems I was facing but the vast majority of them were clinging to their faith since in many cases it was all they had left.

In contrast, my faith was completely absent, gone from my mind almost as if it were never there to begin with. In the years since I have found no explanation for this, only concepts similar enough to be somewhat helpful. Brain damage can cause religious experiences, so can electrical impulses. Drugs can do that as well; snort some high grade crystal meth and see how fast you become one with the universe. God is the universe and you are one with it therefore you are god. Oh yeah, I remember my days of drugged out delusions. Since I have experienced these things it is not difficult for me to imagine that just the right neural pathway being blocked could shut off that part of my mind that functioned in the realm of faith. After all, that’s the only explanation of all the pain in my right arm, there is no physical damage but I feel like someone has been beating me mercilessly with a sledgehammer for the last ten years.

I don’t want pity, I have no use for it. I have chosen to live in pain rather than be so drugged up I can’t function. I bring it up because people get on my case about not smiling and looking miserable. Or how slow I move. Or how tired I always am. Or why I frequently have no interest in doing anything. They have no idea what I’m fighting every hour of every day. Unfortunately my wife is one of the worst offenders, she thinks if I would just smile more everything would get better. I can’t get her to understand how hard it is to smile when half your face is numb.

She flips out if I try to talk about the death of my faith.

So I blog.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my wife dearly. But I need to talk about these things so I have to go elsewhere. A little compassion here, a little discussion there from total strangers online saved me from abject depression. Just writing these thoughts down makes me feel better. And if any of this helps someone else then that truly makes me happy.

Alienation. It’s something stroke survivors and atheists have in common. It’s something atheists have to deal with if they were former believers. That’s the one thing I feel churches provide most people, a sense of belonging to a group. I don’t see atheism offering that except online and maybe in bigger cities. Out here in Podunkville you don’t find organized groups of freethinkers roaming the farmlands and vineyards. I read enough atheist blogs to know this is a problem for quite a few of us.

That’s why I’m very grateful to everyone who ever leaves a comment here.

I’m not alone and neither are you.

Posted in communication, emotion, religion, stroke | Print | 1 Comment »

29. November 2008 by Frank.

I hate Christmas and the entire holiday season for a number of reasons. So, in no particular order, here are my reasons:

• (1) I work in a large scale retail store so I have to take part in serving the crowds on Black Friday. The buying frenzy and outright greed on display amongst the customers is sickening. 300 people pour through the door in a matter of a few seconds acting like their lives depend on getting the bargain stuff. If you don’t think this behavior is disgusting try asking the man who was trampled to death at Wal-Mart (in New York). Find out what his co-workers must have felt like as the morons continued shopping. How in the world did people in this country allow themselves to be trained to participate in this bullshit year after year? And keep in mind that what I see is nothing compared to Best Buy and Wal-Mart across the street.

• (2) I’m sick to death of being forced to go to family holiday functions. These people don’t want anything to do with us for the rest of the year. My wife’s family all live right here in the same area so there’s no travel involved. They frequently do things with each other but they always leave my wife out and they ignore me entirely. My wife’s late mother used to enforce holiday gatherings with an iron fist. I think they continue it now because of that training. My sisters live in Louisiana so there’s nothing going on there either. None of us can afford that kind of travel. I would much rather spend time with friends. If I had any.

• (3) Apparently I missed the training sessions but this season does not give me the warm fuzzies. I don’t indulge in nostalgia. I don’t have fond childhood memories — most of my memories were wiped out by the stroke. And unlike all these oh so sincere celebrities who clearly remember their incredibly supportive parents who gave them their first dancing shoes, microphones, footballs, baseball gloves, etc. , I don’t recall my parents ever supporting anything I was interested in. Unfortunately, that isn’t because of my memory being totally screwed, my parents really didn’t support anything I ever tried to do. My late mother’s strongest words of support were, “That’s nice — if you like that sort of thing.” She used that for my acting, my painting, and my photography. My step-father never had anything to say and my natural father abandoned me when I was nine. Warm, fuzzy, childhood memories? I don’t think so.

• (4) Contrary to 20 years of Christianity, Jesus is not the reason for the season. Christianity usurping pagan holidays for its own needs is the reason Xmas is on December 25. You should really study church history. It’s amazing how many pagan gods were born or celebrated on December 25 long before Jesus ever showed up.

• (5) We are living on my wife’s Social Security Disability and my below poverty level income. We literally have not been able to afford Xmas for several years now. That’s alright, I understand that giving presents is fun. I enjoy that. But I have made the leap to realizing that only things I can give are things that I can make myself. My wife still thinks we HAVE TO BUY things. She has been trained thoroughly. This creates stress. There’s no more credit to be had, we used up our share long ago. Just like retail, everything has to be bigger and bigger and more and more expensive every year. Sorry, we reached the point of no return several years ago. Retail pins the entire year on what it can do in December. We need a new system. This one has destroyed us.

• (6) I am subjected to 36 hours a week of Xmas music. Non-religious, generic Xmas music. After hearing the same 25 songs 5 million times, you begin to hate Xmas music. I hate it with a passion.

• (7) There is no War! On! Christmas! Christians are not being persecuted in this country. Saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” is in no way, shape, or form even remotely close to persecution. Let’s have the secret police break down your doors and haul you off to concentration camps before you start whining about persecution. Let’s burn you at the stake, torture, and abuse you before you wail about the evil atheists trying to ruin your (pagan) holiday.

So there you have it, 7 reasons I hate this whole Xmas season. I could have also mentioned the snow, ice, and bitter cold but that’s what you get when you live in Michigan.

“You can’t fool me. I know there is no Sanity Clause.”

Posted in communication, emotion, religion, stroke | Print | 3 Comments »

22. October 2008 by Frank.

I have been told that my stroke survivor story would be of great benefit and inspiration to suffering Christians the world over. All I have to do is give god the glory.

I can’t do that.

I did not survive the stroke with any help from god. I didn’t pray. I didn’t praise. I didn’t worship. I didn’t bow down. God did not deliver me from evil.

During the actual stroke event I was praying. I was very much god centered and oriented at that time. I knew something was horribly wrong with me but I didn’t panic because I had full trust in god to get me through it. There was no doubt in my mind that god was right there with me. You can see why Christians would think this is the beginning of a wonderful testimony.

I’ve mentioned before that I was planning to become a full time preacher. I was completely sold out to god. The thought of becoming an atheist had never occurred to me. I had absolutely no desire to leave my faith. I had no reason not to believe in god.

My blood pressure that morning should have been fatal. In a way it was. I know there are all kinds of scientific explanations for near death experiences. I understand that most such experiences happen in the mind and aren’t the least bit supernatural. But knowing that does not diminish the “realness” of the experience.

I left my body and was looking down at myself quite clearly while I was laying on the floor. That was just as real to me as it is sitting here typing and listening to music on Pandora. But I know that can be explained. It can also be explained that I felt I was drifting away to nothingness. Everything had gone black, sound was rapidly receding, there was no pain, there was no sensation. I thought I was almost dead and I was perfectly content with that. I wanted to keep going into the nothingness forever.

I thought I had entered the presence of god, it was perfect peace. But there was no one there. There was no light. There was no sense of another presence. There was no sense of anything. I was on a tour of a cave once in which they turned off the lights to show you what absolute darkness was like. I think everyone stopped breathing simultaneously. The complete absence of light is devastatingly shocking. We were each completely alone and isolated. My experience was like that. But it didn’t scare me.

Your HDTV would need a 10,000,000,000 to 1 contrast ratio to demonstrate that.

To say I was confused afterwards would be quite an understatement. I was confused and I also didn’t care. About anything. Nothing had any importance to me. I didn’t care what the nurses and doctors were doing to me. I didn’t care about myself, my family, my friends. But what was really surprising was that I didn’t care about my god either.

He was gone from my thoughts. It never occurred to me to pray. I didn’t want my bible. I wasn’t eager to get back to church and teaching the word. My attitude struck me as odd but didn’t really bother me any. I had made a complete 180 without the slightest bit of emotional reaction whatsoever.

A large part of my memory was gone. My personality was radically altered. I had no emotions except anger. The “I don’t care about anything” syndrome kicked in full force. Naturally, I was then diagnosed as being depressed. I was quite sure I wasn’t depressed, it was far deeper than that. My brain was no longer functioning in any manner approaching normal. I knew that deep down at my most fundamental level I was no longer the same person.

I did not get any support from friends or family and certainly none whatsoever from either of two churches I belonged to. People started acting like I had some kind of highly contagious plague (probably either the Rage Virus or the T-Virus), and while they weren’t actually running away from me, they sure weren’t drawing near. Neither was god even though he had promised to draw near to me if I drew near to him.

My faith wasn’t doing anything for me. It wasn’t long before I came to realize that the failure of my faith had caused the stroke in the first place. I really believed I could beat my high blood pressure just by believing. I hated the side effects I was getting from all the medicine I was taking. So I was highly motivated to believe in faith healing. I knew in my heart that faith in god could beat any medical problem. So I stopped taking the meds even though I had been warned that to do so could prove fatal. Oh yeah, I was a faith giant.

I was a fucking idiot.

Just a tiny little minute amount of blood got blocked from my brain and all the sudden I couldn’t control my body. My memories were wiped out. My personality, who I was – my identity, my “me” was eliminated. I embarked on a life of continual pain, filled with altered perceptions, without the comfort of god to fall back on. He was quite literally gone.

I couldn’t find him anywhere. His word which had been alive and vibrant to me was dead and lifeless. There was no hope or encouragement in it. Verses and phrases used to jump off the page but now sat there meaningless and uninspiring. I became aware that I wasn’t even praying anymore. I don’t recall making any conscious decision to stop. I gradually became aware that I didn’t want or need any help in the form of faith. Faith had utterly failed to keep me safe.

Instead I started reasoning things out. I started researching various aspects of the stroke online. I found scientific explanations for all the bizarre things that had happened to me. I started communicating with other survivors and I started seeing disturbing similarities in our experiences. I started seeing inexplicable things that had happened to my mother-in-law were happening to me. I came to the conclusion that the best thing I could do was to keep my mind active.

The spectacular failure of my faith led me to research church history which in turn led me to question church doctrines. That led to further bible study. When you study the bible with the faith blinders off you become aware how poorly written it actually is. There is no consistent eloquence in its words. There are literally hundreds of pages of the poorest written drivel you will ever read. There are contradictions of contradictions, errors, and flat out lies. The god depicted in the old testament is a monster, the behavior of his saints is atrocious. But that shouldn’t be surprising because they act just like him.

Or is it he acts just like the barbarians they are? I get confused.

Jesus is no better. He is exactly the same yesterday, today, and forever. That being the case, he must be just as much of a barbarian as his father. He said all of god’s promises were yes and amen in him, he said faith could move mountains, he said he would never fail nor forsake you, he said he was coming back in his follower’s lifetimes. He lied.

Then he said he would send you to hell for all of eternity for not believing him.

All this studying finally convinced me there is no god. Everything I believed was clearly contradicted by the very same book I used as a foundation. Faith requires you to make excuses when the words of that book fail to be true. Faith means choosing ignorance over reality, hopeful imagination over solid evidence.

But all I have to do is lie and praise god for bringing me through the crisis. I could inspire millions of Christians if I would just do that.

I would much rather tell the truth that religion and faith did absolutely nothing for me. Only by using my mind and its marvelous ability to reason was I able to survive. Millions of atheists would probably be inspired by that.

Posted in interpretation, emotion, religion, stroke | Print | 1 Comment »

6. August 2008 by Frank.

When no one believes what you say you may find yourself in a rather odd situation. Do you get mad and change your presentation? Or do you continue in the same manner? When what little feedback you do get indicates that your message is not being understood does that mean your writing skills aren’t quite what you think they are?

Or does it just mean your audience wears blinders because they don’t understand how you could possibly leave their god and reject their teachings?

I think that’s it when it comes to religious folks. They can’t conceive of deliberately walking away from Christianity so any statement that you have done just that is beyond their comprehension. You’re not really an atheist, you’re just mad at god and disappointed in men.

How can you be mad at someone who doesn’t exist?

No, I’m not mad at god. Disappointed in men is a whole other matter. I’ve been lied to repeatedly by “holy” men of god. I’ve been conned out of my time and money by one preacher after another. I’ve been taught that I have to respect them and obey them. I’ve been prohibited from questioning them. I’ve been told they speak the very words of god.

I’ve also been told that they are just men after all when they fail. Well, it turns out that’s all they ever were. Just men. Ordinary men who like to have some degree of power and control over others.

One of the rather more bizarre christian double standards is the one that says believers are the only Jesus the world can see. This supposedly sets a high standard for believers to achieve. However, if you do look up to a christian leader and he fails, then you are told that you shouldn’t have your eyes on men in the first place, they should be on Jesus. Do I really need to explain the flaw in that logic?

What set me off on this topic was some well intentioned email from a couple of religious guys I communicate with. One flat out declared that I am not an atheist or and agnostic, I’m just mad at god and disappointed in men. I don’t believe his intention was to call me a liar but that was the effect his words had on me. The other managed to put in the implied threat of get right with god, give him the glory, or continue to suffer the consequences. Again, I don’t think he intended to be threatening. But that’s how it came across.

I’ve run into this before. I can’t possibly be serious. I can’t possibly not believe. Therefore I must be lying to myself so if I would just soften my heart and repent, I could go back to the way things were and be useful to god again.

No, I can’t. The stroke changed me. It changed the way I think and feel. It changed the way my mind works on a very fundamental level. It knocked my “faith blinders” off. Before the stroke the Bible was alive and vibrant, a complete inspiration to me all the time. After the stroke, it was dead words on a page written by ignorant, primitive men. It is full of errors and contradictions. When I started realizing that those weren’t just things god hadn’t revealed to me yet, when I admitted the truth to myself, the bible became faith’s worse enemy. I didn’t become an atheist because of emotion. I didn’t walk away on a whim. I took a cold hard look at the foundation and found it full of holes and cracks, some of them quite glaring and obvious.

Just a few examples:

God supports, encourages, and gives instructions on how to own slaves.

God’s punishment for being a victim of rape – the woman must marry her rapist and never divorce him.

Work on the Sabbath, you die.

Dishonor your parents, you die.

Honor your mother and father to have long life (it’s a promise of god)

BUT hate your mother and father if you want to serve Jesus!

Thou shalt not kill (10 commandments)

UNLESS god orders it in which case you have to kill all the men, women, and children (even babies), and all their animals (UNLESS the women are young and are virgins – god says your men can use them).

There’s much, much more. But these are just a few of the things that convinced me there is no god. These are the commands of barbarians, not a loving, holy god.

Posted in wild guesses, interpretation, hearing, emotion, religion, stroke | Print | 2 Comments »

5. July 2008 by Frank.

Sometimes I go through periods where nothing interests me. These can last for days or even weeks. It’s almost as if my brain shuts down. I still go through the motions of daily life but I’m not really there. I’ve hit one of those periods the last couple of weeks.

This may sound like nothing but I assure you it isn’t. It’s one of the stroke effects I find so dangerous. When I start feeling like this, I realize I am sliding down an incredibly slippery slope. It would be very easy to just give up, sit in a chair, and drool on myself for the rest of my life. That was one of the first things that terrified me and it still does because it’s still so damned easy.

It’s hard to believe I’m still fighting this ten years later.

When this happened to my mother in law, I had no idea what she was going through or what to do about it. You could see the light going out of her eyes, you could hear how lost she was in her voice, you could see her giving up. So what did any of us do?

We prayed.

Did God stop her slide into oblivion? No. Did any of us really help? No. Instead of lavishing attention on her and trying to help her keep her mind active we let her slide away because we were ignorant. We thought her lack of interest meant she wanted to be left alone. Am I certain that would have made a difference? No. But I know from my own experience that it would have helped.

She quickly lost the ability to communicate. Then she lost the ability to move. She had given up living. But instead of death she entered into a sort of living hell. She lingered in this living but not alive state for 8 long years. God is not merciful.

What frightened me then and still does now is that I catch myself acting just like she did at first.

It’s bad enough being trapped in a body that is wracked with pain all the time but the thought of being trapped in a body that can’t move or communicate pushes me over the edge. I hate the thought of a living death like that. My admiration for the late Christopher Reeve knows no bounds. He could still communicate, however. And I know many others have suffered far more than I have. My best friend was eaten alive by cancer, talk about pain. My mother died in absolute agony last year. So no, I’m not feeling sorry for myself, saying, “woe is me!”

But I am saying these things motivate me.

When I fall down that slope, I slide for a long ways. Then I remember.

When I remember I get angry. When I get angry, I get really angry. I’ve often thought it would be really nice if I could just HULK out for a few days. Unfortunately, it doesn’t quite work that way. I usually just start blogging.

So that’s my angry blogger story. Kind of a letdown, isn’t it?

Posted in emotion, stroke | Print | 1 Comment »

8. June 2008 by Frank.

Please take a look at those buttons up at the top of the page.

HOME is exactly what you think it is.

ABOUT ME is the condensed version of my life, just a little history.

THE STROKE is a long page describing what happened to me during the stroke I endured ten years ago. This is the key event which defines my life. All my views about life in general and religion in particular originate at that point in my life. Understand that and you understand me.

THE AFTERMATH describes what happened the first few months afterwards when my entire world was turned upside down.

Please give them a look if you want to learn what motivates this blog.

Thanks, Frank DN

Posted in communication, religion, stroke | Print | No Comments »

26. May 2008 by Frank.

Many atheists refer to the religious as being deluded or having delusions. I know for a fact that I deluded myself quite a bit at various times. But I never thought in terms of most churchgoers being deluded just because they believed. I never considered the whole belief system to be a delusion.

My delusions were more a matter of my trying to decide what god was telling me. One of the first things I ran into was needing an explanation why the church I was saved in destroyed itself so soon afterwards, I felt a compelling need to set things right, to correct all the wrong teachings. So I deluded myself into believing that was my mission from god – I was sent to be a prophet to get the churches back on the right track.

Unfortunately, no one else shared that little bit of insight as to my purpose in life.

I constantly became obsessed with one doctrine or another. I convinced myself of some absurd explanations for why various things would happen to me. Everything has a purpose, everything is a part of god’s plan. Random chance or coincidence were not acceptable explanations.

I believe I went much further overboard than most people. Like I’ve admitted before I’m not compulsive but I am obsessive. One of the main things if not the main thing I became obsessed with was spiritual gifts. Specifically the gifts of communication. I wanted to know what god was saying to me and I was determined to have that knowledge no matter what. Even if I had to make it up myself.

Which is what I finally realized I was doing. I was making decisions and then I was putting words in god’s mouth to support those decisions. When the amount of decisions was far overbalanced on the side of error, I had to admit I was deluding myself. If god was really talking to me, I shouldn’t have been making so many bad choices.

The only good thing about the obsessive side of my character is that my main obsession has always been to find the truth. When I’m wrong (and I’m often very wrong) I eventually admit I’m wrong. I throw out all the baggage I accumulate and start over.

This is why and how I got away from the word of faith movement, the prosperity gospel, the charismatics, the Pentecostals, and even the Baptists despite diving into all of them headfirst with no hesitations. My obsession with the truth stayed with me through the stroke. Even though I could have walked away from religion entirely without the slightest regret or feeling about it of any kind, I wanted to know what happened. I wanted to know how I could have been so wrong.

I wanted to know why god abandoned me.

I will say this about my delusions, they helped me not to panic during the stroke. I thought I had entered into perfect peace, the presence of god. That was my ultimate goal in life so I had absolutely no fear or apprehension. It was bliss. It was wonderful. It was death and I know for a fact that death is nothing to fear.

But my god wasn’t there waiting for me.

He wasn’t there when I came out of it. He wasn’t there the next day, the next week, the next month. He hasn’t shown up in nearly ten years now. I can’t find him in church services. I can’t find him in his word. I couldn’t find him in prayer.

I couldn’t accept the obvious reason – there is no god – so I started re-evaluating my doctrines. I started looking at the bible with the idea that I had misunderstood it somehow. If you read the bible without assuming it is the inerrant word of god, it suddenly becomes clear that all the problems with it aren’t your fault. The errors and contradictions are actually real errors and real contradictions. Only faith blinders make it seem otherwise. Faith says it is the word of god so the faithful must delude themselves into believing that is true.

Which is why there are so many differing doctrines. Which is why one branch hates the other branch. Man makes god in his own image.

So do I believe the religious are deluded? Yes, unfortunately, I do.

Does that make them my enemy? Not really. Not simply because they want to believe in god. Most churches are full of people that need the social connection it provides. The vast majority are satisfied with their weekly gathering, try to live by their shared principles, and go on living in the secular world maybe offended by some of it but not really trying too hard to change it.

There are those, however, who are not content with that level of belief. There are those who want to force everyone to abide by their beliefs and attempt to force the government to pass laws to promote their version of righteousness. These people want power. They want to tell you what you think and believe. And worse than that, they want to teach your children what to think and believe. These people are the enemy. They must be opposed.

To fail to do so would be a delusion of the worst kind.

Posted in wild guesses, interpretation, communication, prophet, hearing, religion, emotion, stroke | Print | 3 Comments »

14. May 2008 by Frank.

You can’t completely escape from religion. It’s next to impossible to go anywhere where there isn’t some kind of church nearby. There’s seven of them in less than one mile on the same road near here. I’m married to a wonderful woman who didn’t deconvert with me and who gets rather upset when I try to express myself on religious matters. So religion is still with me.

My best friend is a devout Seventh Day Adventist. I discuss religion with him every week and although I keep telling him he won’t like my conclusions, he somehow manages to insert god into everything I say. Family, friends, co-workers, no matter what the relationship there’s bound to be some religion mixed in there.

That can make it hard to speak your mind.

Not that I’m afraid of losing anybody but I don’t need the aggravation. I’ve got enough of that just dealing with the mundane things of working in retail and living in a community with at least two hundred churches.

So what’s a good atheist to do? That’s where the internet comes in. There is an abundance of people like me here in the virtual world. You can actually speak your mind without getting condemned and damned to the fiery flames of hell for all eternity. Because assuredly that is my fate for rejecting god.

I did not reject god on a whim even though my faith vanished in an instant. I gave it years of thought and serious study and consideration. Ultimately what convinced me that god wasn’t real was the bible itself. Because what it says and what happened in my life are completely different. Despite every effort on my part to make my experiences line up with what the bible says is true, I finally had to admit it couldn’t be done.

I had to admit prayer didn’t work. I had to admit that faith couldn’t move mountains. And I had to admit that Jesus did not stand by me despite his promise to never fail nor forsake me. You think a true believer could do any of that easily?

I don’t give up without a fight. So I studied fanatically trying to determine what possibly could have altered my thinking so radically. First the stroke disconnected me. Then I started staying away from church and consequently got away from guilt. Getting away from guilt made it so much easier to actually think about my doubts. Once you’re able to do that the faith blinders come off.

If you read the bible without them you see all its flaws.

And then you realize there is no god.

And then you realize you didn’t believe in him before so why did you ever start in the first place.

So it’s back to more studying.

And more questions.

With answers that actually make sense.

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9. May 2008 by Frank.

The stroke disconnected the part of my brain that lets you have faith.  It was just gone in an instant.  I didn’t care that it was gone but I knew it had happened.  After the fog began lifting I began to realize that when it came to faith I had made an 180 degree turn.  I may not have cared but something that radical deserved some thought.

It deserved a lot of thought.

One of the first things I did was get a newer computer and get my first 56K dial-up internet service.  I began looking for stroke survivor groups.  I gradually discovered a number of survivors online and began learning that many of the effects of our strokes were very similar if not exactly the same.  Loss of emotion wasn’t unusual at all.  And what I call “The I Don’t Care Effect” was quite widespread.  So was alienation from family and friends.  Many people were struggling with their faith but it was mostly a matter of wondering why god had let this happen to them.  I never came across anyone who flat out felt their religion was gone.

I could write a book about all the effects of the stroke but I’m trying to stay focussed on religion for the purposes of this blog.

Like I mentioned previously, I was a member of two churches.  The entire amount of compassion and concern I got from those churches consisted of one visit from each pastor (at the same time no less - they competed to see who could say the best prayer!) and one visit by two families while I was in the hospital.  That was it.  No one ever called me, wrote a letter, paid a visit, or showed any interest at all outside of a church service.  While at church I was assured they were praying for me but I doubt that since no one could be bothered to even ask how I was doing.  I had been extremely active in both those churches teaching and preaching and filling in for the pastors.  But the most traumatic event in my life did not even make a blip on their radar.

This got my attention.  How could the love of god be real if this many of his people had no interest or campassion for one of their own?  I had seen this sort of thing before when my mother-in-law suffered a series of strokes that left her completely vegatative for 8 years.  She had been a member of the church for 35 years or more, only 2 or 3 of her friends from that church were ever around for support.  It was like they couldn’t deal with the situation so they chose to ignore it.  I found that disgusting.  They treated me the same way only they ignored me entirely.  But once again, I didn’t care.

I did, however, wonder how it was possible that someone (or more precisely, a group of someones) could claim to be filled with the love of god and show no love to one of their own who had had their life destroyed.

It began to occur to me that maybe I might be wrong in my understanding of god.  Maybe the things I was expecting weren’t accurate after all.  Maybe all that stuff I thought was still for us today really was over 2000 years ago.  Obviously something was wrong.

But for the first time I was able to think maybe it wasn’t something wrong with me, maybe it was something wrong with god.

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